[personal profile] 7rin
By Anne D. Slagle, adoptee
Originally found @ http://www.unlockingtheheart.com/A_eight_fallacies.htm

Adoption is one of those subjects that everyone thinks they know something about – and has an opinion on. Unfortunately, many of these opinions are wrong, since most people are not adopted, and have no first-hand experience of the adoption process or the effects it has on the families involved in adoption. There are many fallacies concerning adoption – some of them may surprise you!

One: Adoptive parents make better parents than ordinary people because they wanted a child so badly and went to so much trouble to get one. Read more... )

Two: Happy adoptees, who are completed satisfied with their parents and home will never want to search for their birth kin, only the unhappy and maladjusted will feel a need to search. Read more... )

Three: Adoptees who search are looking for fantasy, the "perfect parents" who will love and cherish them, and they will inevitably be cruelly disappointed when they meet with reality. Read more... )

Four: A searching adoptee poses a real threat to the security and anonymity of the birthparent(s). Read more... )

Five: An adoptee belongs to his or her new family forever – and owes them something more than the ordinary offspring owes his family. Read more... )

Six: Sealed records protect the birthmother from intrusion into her life by the child she relinquished for adoption. Sealed records protect no one, least of all the birthparent. Read more... )

Seven: Adoptees are better off not knowing that they are adopted. They will never need to search, and will not grow up feeling "different." Read more... )

Eight: An adoptee is bound to honor the agreement of adoption and to never challenge the wisdom of the sealed records, he has a right only to the information that others are willing to give. Read more... )

Anne D. Slagle, adoptee
Adoptees Liberty Movement Association
[personal profile] 7rin
I didn't write this, unfortunately.


January 14, 2013

By Jane Jeong Trenka

@ MPR News

Jane Jeong Trenka was adopted from Korea to Minnesota in 1972. She is author of the memoirs "The Language of Blood" and "Fugitive Visions," and coeditor of the anthology "Outsiders Within: Writing on Transracial Adoption." She is studying for a master's degree in public policy at Seoul National University and is president of TRACK (Truth and Reconciliation for the Adoption Community of Korea).

Hey, kids in foster care. You might be wondering why Americans are raising a stink about Russia banning adoptions while you are still waiting for a family. You might feel like no one wants you.

And why wouldn't you feel that way?

There are 58,000 of you living in institutions, 104,236 eligible for adoption and 400,540 in foster care. But I can recommend some ways to make yourself as precious and loveable as one of those Russian orphans. Take some tips from an international adoptee! Here's how:

1. Be young. You have no value if you are older than 5. I know — you're 12. But maybe people won't notice if you act young. They'll think you're big for your age. If you expect to be adopted as a preteen, forget it. At that point, all you are is a looming college tuition bill.

2. Be white. That's what the Russians had going for them. But if you can't do that, you can at least not ask to be adopted into a family that speaks Spanish or Laotian or whatever it is you used to speak at home. Language classes are once a week, and culture camp is once a year. Don't confuse tourism with real life. Got it?

3. Be alone. Nobody wants a band of kids that is already a family unit. They are trying to integrate you into them, not be integrated into you. So why are you telling people you have not just one — but two or three siblings? Say goodbye to them and send the youngest ones off to fend for themselves. They probably won't even remember you later. Maybe you can find them in adulthood through Facebook if you're sentimental.

4. Be an orphan. Do you really expect to be adopted you if want to maintain ties with your birth family? People fear your mother showing up at their front door. That is why they like to adopt kids from as far away as possible! "I am a poor orphan. I am a poor orphan." That is your new mantra, and do stop talking about your mother. Not only should you obliterate your memory, but you should also ask your social worker to burn any records that suggest you may have difficulty making adults feel loved and needed in exchange for a home.

Adoption is not about what you want. It's about what adopters want. Get it straight, kids!
[personal profile] 7rin
From TakenUK
Tammy tells her shocking story to the conference of professionals in London
30th October 2006:-

"In the best interest of the child" that's what the professional's state, but even the professionals and the family courts can be wrong as they were in my case.

Let me explain about my birth family, and myself. I am a young adopted adult; I was taken from my mum nearly 17 years ago on a false allegation, I was seven months old and sitting in my bouncing chair, my mum had gone into the kitchen to make me a night feed. I was happily playing with an activity toy, which I dropped on the floor; I leant forward to reach the toy but the chair followed me arid tipped forward falling on top of me. I sustained a bruise on my cheek. And that's where my life was changed forever.

Read more... )
[personal profile] 7rin
Links to threads that have exploded, and which demonstrate aptly the attitudes displayed towards adoption and adoptees.

The Skeptical Mother's Page posted a picture of a very young bmom with her newborn baby daughter, just before she hands her over to the adopters.
[personal profile] 7rin
I'm gonna try to tidy this up to make it more readable, but I suspect if the thread continues, it's gonna wind up being dumped in comments too because I'm gonna run outta character spaces.

How do you feel about adoption?

Jennifer Randazzo Good.

Gloria Orange-Barnett The gift of a safe and loving home to a child in need is truly a gift to oneself.

Lynn Early Brown It is truly a blessing...I was adopted as an infant and my husband and I have adopted both our children thru foster-to-adopt! It is amazing and a gift from God!

Liz Larson-Shidler The best alternative.

Linda Wallin Thrilled! My son comes home from India today with his new son!

Angela Jensen Dunigan We are in the process of my husband adopting my daughter, which will legalize what has already existed for the past nearly 6 years - their father-daughter relationship. I love that she will now have our name too. She's 13 and I can think of no more critical an age for her to have this security of a loving, legal father. I also have loved ones with children whom they adopted at birth. I'm a fan of adoption.

...and then the adoptees start answering )
[personal profile] 7rin
The comments section on KSL.com article after this picture...

...demonstrate clearly the forces of socialisation that work against the adoptee for the entirety of the adoptee's life. This is what we grow up hearing. Even if it's not in the immediate family, the wider world tells us this, and it's not something you can shield us from because it's endemic in English speaking society[1].

Yet people still fail to see how this impacts our perspectives of ourselves as adoptees. Why?
Genealogy is a massive industry, so why wouldn't adoptees want to know who and where they come from?

This is why we shouldn't be losing contact totally in the first place.

People shouldn't NEED to be putting begging pictures up on Fakeblag because they've run out of other options. This information should never be lost to us in the first place.

Even if it's not safe for them to know who and where we are while we're children, as adults that information should be available to us so that WE can decide what we want to do with OUR lives.

Not knowing who you're from is a complete mind-fuck.

[1] I don't know enough about all other societies to be able to say, but I'm sure it's a topic @TransracialEyes is likely to have information on).
[personal profile] 7rin
Love is not a pie

Context is everything

"Adoption is the right choice for some people. It isn't all evil."

Taken by itself, the above statement is one with which I do not disagree. I understand that each adoptive situation has its own unique set of circumstances, and in some of those circumstances adoption may be the best available option, though not necessarily a painless one.

So why was I triggered when I read the statement earlier this morning? Why did feelings ranging from anger to despondency flush through my body?

I was tweaked because the statement appeared as an anonymous comment at the end of a long blog post in which a mother who relinquished wrote of her person experience of pain and trauma resulting from adoption. In that context, it was hard for me to interpret the statement as anything but a dismissal—as one more case of a message falling on deaf ears. "Did he/she even read the post?" I thought.

Sadly, such dismissal is depressingly familiar to me. I am weary—oh so weary—of people telling adoptees and original parents what our feeling about adoption should be, shutting their ears to our descriptions of our actual experiences.
Read the rest of the post over at Love is not a pie.
[personal profile] 7rin
Repost of http://sonofasurrogate.tripod.com/blog/index.blog?entry_id=1536490 'cause tripod kills my browser. C'n'p'd 31 Jul 2012.

Wednesday, 9 August 2006
Love isn't all you need
Mood: incredulous

Jason. My partner, my friend, my advocate and sometimes, my rival. We've been through so much together that sometimes i feel like i have known him all my life.

Jason is a Saggitarius, so of course we are going to clash cuz i'm a water baby, but at the core level, we are so similar that it is scary. Jason is an adoptee. I don't know if I was drawn to him because of that or this was an experience i knew subconsciously that i needed to have. Me being an adoptee too (cuz that's what i am even if i was only adopted by the amom being a surrogate child) you can only imagine the issues that abound in our little studio. 2 adoptees, 3 shrinks, 4 mothers, 5 bottles of non-aresol hair spray, 1 bed. God help us.

Jason is a year younger than me and he actually had a family adoption. You wouldn't think it would be as bad seeing that he always knew who he was and where he came from. His uncle adopted him and raised him with his wife who was infertile. Or maybe it was his uncle that was. Who cares. They couldn't have kids was the point. So when Jason's mom got pregnant at 16, the family decided that Jason would go to his uncle and they would then be known as mom and dad. Sounds good in theory, doesn't it? Win-win, right?

So Jake and Roberta (Robbi) raised J with all the love and care you would expect his real parents would have given him. They provided him with every opportunity, every material possession he could want, a good education and a very stable home. J loves them like there is no tomorrow and will defend them until their deaths. He always knew who his real mom was and she loved him too. Happy-happy. Joy-joy. All is well, right?

Then came the time last year that J's real mom had her second child. Bev was 35 or 36, somewhere around that. I have never seen the boy unravel quite like he did that day. After we returned from the hospital, Jason and i sat beside each other on the bed. I knew something was wrong because when J chews the inside of his mouth, something is bothering him. I just didn't know how deeply it went for him.

I innocently asked, "So J, whaddya think of Connor? Isn't he an absolute doll?" The dam burst, the levy broke and the floodgate blew apart at that moment. J, sobbing the hardest I have ever seen anyone do, flung himself across my lap, clutched my knees, and wept into my stoneblast Levis. "WHY DIDN'T SHE KEEP ME?! WHY DIDN'T SHE WANT ME?!" he wailed. Over and over he repeated these two things until the dam broke inside myself. I was taken back to the time when I first met my siblings and how badly that stung. Seeing the family photos, all happy and smiling, but I wasn't there. I was missing. I knew exactly how J felt. My mother didn't keep me either. My mother didn't want me either. No matter how much our other parents did, our real mothers did not.

I bent over and sobbed into J's tee shirt. 2 barely grown men transformed back into the raging, grieving infants taken from their mothers and replaced with substitute mothers. No matter how much love we were given, it wouldn't take away the pain of losing our 1st mothers. I felt a connection to J that superceded anything physical or mental. It was a spiritual connection with a grieving brother.

Something horrible happened to us at birth. We lost our mothers. They did not die, but they might as well have been dead because we lost them in the capacity of mother and to a tiny baby, that feels like death. They are all we ever knew and suddenly, they were gone.

How ignorant it is for us to think that babies don't feel or don't remember. Study after study comes out to reveal how aware we really are and how bonding begins before birth.

I feel for J in what he has had to go through this last year and will have to go through for some years more. I remember how it was for me at 17 when it all came down. After years of "I am happy to be adopted, my parents love me, they are my parents and I am so grateful to my real mom for making the best decision she could by giving me to my parents" the shit finally hit the fan and he was covered from head to toe. Oh yah, he alway had the classic adoptee issues. What? I saw it. He just never associated it with his adoption. Abandonment issues, rejecting before you reject him, you just can only get "so close". Christ. Can you imagine with the two of us like this? It is a wonder that we have stuck together. I almost think its some sort of adoptee alliance that gets us through. Stick together because we are the only ones who understand what it is like to be us.

I don't know why I have started writing about this again. I wanted to give it up, but got encouraged when I had been contaced by some others in my same shoes. Hella pissed at some of the e-mails I get. Some of them are just downright cunt-ish. Why is it that I get blasted for being the child of a surrogate and an adoptee? Because I am not grateful? Cuz I don't kiss the ass of surrogacy and adoption? Kiss the ass of the industry?

It must threaten you. I must threaten everything you are and everything you stand for to make you write some of those bitchy things to me. I must scare the piss out of you to get so damned defensive. It also hurts, because you care nothing for the feelings of the person these arrangements affects the most - the child.

If my mother was killed in a horrible accident on her way home from the hospital or if she perished in childbirth, I would get all permission to grieve I needed. When I expressed my rage against the forces or thing that killed my mother, you would all give me all the sympathy in the world. I would be allowed for me to grieve, be angry, to rage. Well my mother died as my mother when the forces that be took me away from her. However I am not allowed to grieve because that force was called surrogacy and those people who took me away were called Intended Parents. It's becoming like a sacred cow. Poor poor infertile couples. Ungrateful adoptees. Acquiring that chikd by any means available is far more important to what is actually DOES to the child.

It's bullshit. Pure garbage. Its disenfranchized grief and it is self-perpetuating. No wonder I just don't "get over it'.

So John and Paul were wrong and Aretha was right. Love isn't all you need. You need respect, too. And respect is something I never got. Neither did Jason. The first disrespect came when you took us from our mothers and you gave us a substitute. AS IF we had no feelings. AS IF we wouldn't notice.

Well, we did notice. We'll notice for the rest of our lives.

"Adoption loss is the only trauma in the world where the victims are expected by the whole of society to be grateful" - The Reverend Keith C. Griffith, MBE

Posted by sonofasurrogate at 6:48 PM EDT
Updated: Wednesday, 9 August 2006 9:17 PM EDT
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[personal profile] 7rin
Do we need a law against incest?

The European human rights court has upheld a German ruling against sibling incest, but some questions remain unanswered

Paul Behrens 15 April 2012

The European court of human rights is no stranger to controversy. Last Thursday, however, Strasbourg played it safe and did the expected. The court ruled it was all right to have a law against incest.

The man who brought the case was Patrick Stübing – a young German, who was separated from his family as a little child. When he was in his 20s, he looked for and found his biological mother. He also found his sister, with whom he fell in love. After their mother's death, the siblings began a sexual relationship, which produced four children.

It is not the only case in which biological siblings met only later in life and began sexual relations. One of the theories to explain the phenomenon is that the absence overcomes the "Westermarck effect" that usually applies: kids who grow up together tend to become desensitised to mutual sexual attraction.

Read more... )
[personal profile] 7rin
Genetic sexual attraction

You're 40, happily married - and then you meet your long-lost brother and fall passionately in love. This isn't fiction; in the age of the sperm donor, it's a growing reality: 50% of reunions between siblings, or parents and offspring, separated at birth result in obsessive emotions. Last month, a former police officer was convicted of incest with his half-sister - but should we criminalise a bond hardwired into our psychology? Alix Kirsta talks to those who have suffered the torment of 'genetic sexual attraction'

The Guardian, Saturday 17 May 2003

At first, Ivor Lytton's emotional predicament seems unremarkable, no different from the woes that make up any agony aunt's weekly column. On Sunday October 4 1998, Lytton, an Edinburgh public relations consultant, met the love of his life. The meeting took place at a dinner party at a fashionable country inn. Rita Meadows, who lives in South Africa, was on holiday in Scotland. Describing their meeting, Lytton's words overflow with sentiment. "From the moment we met, I was smitten, and continued to be drawn to her like a magnet. As I got to know her, I felt she had given me a life transmission. She put a smile in my heart and a spring in my step." Each October for the past four years, he has sent her a card to commemorate the date of their meeting.

What Lytton didn't know was that the consequences of that love would plunge him into the most devastating crisis of his life. Read more... )
[personal profile] 7rin
Forbidden love of the brother and sister
Last updated at 15:43 01 March 2007

Had it stopped at an appropriate point, the story of Patrick Stuebing and Susan Karolewski could have been poignant and moving.

Separated by adoption in their native East Germany, the siblings met for the first time in 2000 when Patrick tracked down his birth mother and the younger sister he had never met.

If their mother, Ana Marie, were alive today, however, she would, in all likelihood, be wishing her estranged son had never found his way home.

Because for the past seven years, brother and sister have been lovers. In that time they have had four children together - two of whom are mentally and physically disabled and all of whom are now in care.

Read more... )
[personal profile] 7rin
Quoting kamio over at AAAFC

It doesn't matter to me whether I am better off adopted, or if my life with my bmother would have been crap. It does not shift the deep longing and pain inside.

This is what non-adoptees don't understand. You cannot apply logic to emotions. They can tell me over and over that it's best to be in a stable environment, etc.

Does that cancel out the anxiety, depression, fear of abanonment, interpreting everything as rejection, the poor self-esteem, bad impulse control? Hell no! They are embedded deep within my psyche, from childhood.

And because of their assumptions about why adoption is better etc, this leaves no room to understand the emotional issues, or create therapies for it. Because that would mean rethinking adoption.
[personal profile] 7rin
The following is going to be a catalogue of shit said to - or about - adoptees in public(ish - relatively) places. Feel free to use in evidence. :}

Headline: Kate's adoptive family scrimped to give her idyllic childhood... yet she was still desperate to find the parents who gave her up - no matter who it hurt
  • Kate Hilpern discovered she was adopted aged five
  • At 18 she tracked down her birth family - but found her mother had died at 19, two years after giving Kate up for adoption
  • Mother-of-two says being cut off from birth family had damaging effects on her identity and self-esteem
  • Kate now campaigns for adoptive children to retain contact with biological family
By Kate Hilpern
PUBLISHED: 23:48, 15 May 2012 | UPDATED: 11:57, 16 May 2012

Read more... )

And now for those oh-so wonderful and supportive comments...

First, a charming snippet from Whenever Wherever, Somewhere in the Lone Star, 16/5/2012 21:39
this yearning for some stranger who gave you up because of a biological link is a slap in the face ... I have a few friends who are asian who do not share these issues. None of them have tried to find the biological parent. If I adopt, it will be an asian child. Can't be bothered with the rest of this nonsense. Call it silly or whatever, but either you are my child and I your mum, or not. I am not going to love and sacrifice for over 18 years for some child to come inform me as an adult that they want a relationship with the biological stranger parent.
This made me scratch my head... resident, somewhere in America, 16/5/2012 20:41
Further, you rarely find what you'll think you'll find. My sister in law found her "birth family" and they were a mess. I was not happy.
I'm left scratching my head at this one because the author doesn't tell us how the person whose life it actually involves felt about it - only that they, the poster was aggrieved by it.

Tiffany, USA, 16/5/2012 18:13 shares with us exactly who adoptees should call 'real' family (for the record, all of my families're 'real' - if they weren't, I wouldn't exist because my a'rents didn't give birth to me):
Why on earth would someone want to raise a child as their own, make the sacrifices good parents make and give their whole heart to a child who will someday bring an egg and sperm donor back into the picture, and for what reason?? My heart goes out to this woman's REAL parents, and shame on her for not having the sense to call them.that first.
Matilda, London, 16/5/2012 16:46 makes one of my favourite comments of all, proving the the blank slate theory
" The idea that you can uproot a baby from its birth family, place it with adoptive parents and give it a new identity with no ill-effects is ludicrous." ....................... I disagree with this statement. You can if the baby isn't too old and you never tell the child that it was adopted.
Dinah, Bath, 16/5/2012 16:21 shares the long-standing, old favourite:
I feel very saddened for anon, worcestershire, 16/5/2012 15:35 who feels that their a'rents happiness comes before their own, since no child should be responsible for their parents' happiness, and no child should owe ANY of their parents for doing their job as parents...
What a selfish girl to think of herself and what she wanted, I am adopted from about the same age and would never have wanted to upset my Mother and Father with such an action,they and they only deserved to organise and be at my wedding,they put so much into raising me and giving me a great upbringing,they were always there for me and never let me down their whole lives.I owe them everything.
Finally ('cause contrary to popular belief, I do have a life afk :p), Twinkle, Twinkle, 16/5/2012 15:34 reminds adoptees of their place - y'know, second best, abandoned, 'n' unwanted...
Red arrow me all you like on this but I am entitled to my opionion. I would not adopt a child if the rules changes allowing them access to their biological Mother. NO WAY. Why would a couple or single person who cant have a child provide all the love and care to be made to feel second best and a carer so to speak because the child had been given up for adoption. ADOPTION - Given away - no matter what the reasons or how you wrap it up.
[personal profile] 7rin
The following's the question I asked over on the AAAFC General Discussion forum (on 26 February 2012). I'm reposting the question here in case anyone wants to share, 'n' also because it's an interesting thread to link to in its own right.

I do wonder how many of the adoptees out there just lack the language available 'cause it's not acknowledged by the general population (i.e. adoption fucks you up), rather than so many people being said by others to be "happy" with their adoptions.

Ok, this is that new post that sprung out of my head when I was finishing typing ^^that.

How many people know how you actually REALLY feel about adoption and all that it entails?

F'r instance, would your amom's cousin describe you as "well our I's adopted daughter's turned out just fine, and isn't at all bothered by her adoption"? Or does everyone that's anyone know that "well, L's daughter was adopted, but she's entirely unhappy with the fact that it happened, and would counsel anyone contemplating the thought against it"?

Those of my families that're on FB probably can't help but be aware that I'm most definitely not a "happy adoptee", given how much I post on the subject. Not sure how much the rest of my families know of my opinion on the issue. I don't think amom's cousin'd describe me as "happy with adoption" any more, but icbw.
[personal profile] 7rin
"Adoption Loss is the only trauma in the world where the victims are expected by the whole of society to be grateful" - The Reverend Keith C. Griffith, MBE
[personal profile] 7rin

As an adoptee rights activist, one who doesn’t believe that adoptees are treated equally and who advocates and works towards restoring our equality as adopted adults I am often told by people who don’t know me, or my life story that they “assume I’ve had a really bad life.”

I MUST have had a bad life or else I wouldn’t be criticizing adoption to the degree that I do.

Ignorance I tell ya, its a witch!

Every single time someone who thinks adoption is “great” hears that me, an adoptee, is against adoption to the degree that I am, 9 times out of 10 the sentence following that is “oh, you must have had a really bad life.”


Because what else is the option for them? To question their own beliefs on adoption being overall “good” and potentially have a falling out of everything they’ve put their hope into? Adoption is NOT a band-aid for infertility, childless couples, building families, saving children, abortion alternatives, etc. Adoption needs to ALWAYS be about the child, and the child’s well being overall.

So for all of those people who “think” I’ve had a bad life, because I’m against adoption… this is for you.
[personal profile] 7rin
Adoption Loss is the only trauma in the world where the victims are expected by the whole of society to be grateful - The Reverend Keith C. Griffith MBEPlease sign the petition I've created:
Allow adult adoptees to be repatriated into THEIR OWN families

Posts within this community are under-going over-haul in an effort to make the information contained within them easier to find.

Sadly, the process of over-hauling is likely to cause those visiting from previously posted links to either encounter information they are not expecting to find, or possibly even dead links. I apologise to any visitor who encounters such difficulties, and ask that they refer to the community tag reference page in order to more easily find the information they were originally seeking.

During the course of time, the administrative staff of this community have been saddened to find that some of the valuable information that has been previously linked is no longer available from whence it originally came (perhaps it got surprise adopted? ;)), thus, as a ward against the loss of valuable information, many posts will now be replicated in full. If you are the original author of such works and oppose its replication on this site, please contact the administrative team on 7rin dot on dot adoption at gmail dot com.

The administrative staff of this community thank you for your time.
[personal profile] 7rin
Adoption Issues From a Strengths Perspective
By Deborah H. Siegel, PhD, LICSW, DCSW, ACSW
Social Work Today - July/August 2008 Issue - Vol. 8 No. 4 P. 34

Birth parents, adoptive parents, and adoptees face predictable crises given the life-changing nature of this event. Idealized or deficit approaches don't work, but a strengths perspective does.

Sam is a bright, energetic, enthusiastic 12-year-old boy. His mom and dad, Mary and Mack, love him dearly and are earnest, skilled parents who conscientiously create a nurturing home. Sam thrives; he has a best friend next door, gets Bs in school, attends weekly religious school and prayer services, walks his dog every day after school, and enjoys riding his bike and playing his electric guitar. He and his parents often go on hikes, attend sporting events, and take day trips as a family or with friends. It appears that Sam is doing well because he is adopted.

This description accurately summarizes Sam's life, and so does this: Sam was born with cocaine, marijuana, and alcohol in his tiny body. Sam's birth father, incarcerated shortly after Sam was conceived, has never seen him. The state child welfare agency removed Sam from his mother's custody shortly after birth, and in the first two years of life, Sam lived in four different foster homes before he was legally freed for adoption. Sam's behavior is often impulsive, hyperactive, and inattentive. His classmates tend to steer clear of him because he bumps into them, grabs their things, or blurts out rude comments (e.g., "You're stupid!"). Homework is a daily struggle, as Sam finds it hard to sit still and stay on task. He often forgets, loses, or partially completes his assignments. Lately, his behavior at home has been especially irritable; when his parents prompt him to do a task he doesn't like, he yells, "You're not the boss of me!" and stomps away. He's spending more time alone in his room. It appears that Sam is struggling because he is adopted.

Read more... )

- Deborah H. Siegel, PhD, LICSW, DCSW, ACSW, is a professor in the School of Social Work at Rhode Island College, a clinician specializing in adoption issues, an adoption researcher, and an adoptive parent.

Portal 2

Jul. 6th, 2011 04:51 am
[personal profile] 7rin
Adoptive parents are selfish idiots part infinity

Recently a new computer game Portal 2 was released. It contains taunting that the protagonist is
fat, stupid, and adopted.
This seems unnecessary, thoughtless and hurtful all round. I don’t think we should be teaching kids that these are okay things to say to people but one set of adoptive parents managed to make it all about themselves. According to Neal Stapel the adopted father of a ten year old adoptee says
that this was "literally the worst thing I could have probably heard."
Really? Mate you have lived a charmed life if that’s the worst thing that has ever passed through your delicate ear canals. The report then goes on to say ...
[personal profile] 7rin
Earlier this week, I posted "Adoption versus Abduction" on HuffPost, and in no time, comments racked up from adoptees, fast to point out how satisfied they were with their adoptive parents and families. There were also adoptive parents on the board, eager to share their own feelings of contentment, calling adoption a gift and a blessing.

I once assumed my own adoption had been a gift and a blessing too. In fact, the term, "gift from God," was bandied about more than my own name. My adoptive mother, with a tumor growing in her spine, trusted that if she were truly meant to die, God wouldn't have given her a baby. For three years she had what some called a miraculous recovery and was able to leave her bed and walk intermittently. The tumor continued to grow however, and my adoptive mother suffered through many surgeries only to die when I was seven.

[personal profile] 7rin
Issues Facing Adult Adoptees
@ http://www.enotalone.com/article/10075.html

Often when people hear the word "adoption," they think of an infertile, childless couple delightedly gazing into the eyes of their recently adopted newborn baby. They are thrilled to finally be parents, and are totally involved in meeting the immediate needs of the child. But what about the years that follow? Do the effects of adoption stop the moment that a child comes home to the new parents?

Read more... )
[personal profile] 7rin
Sants, H.J. (1964) Genealogical Bewilderment in Children with Substitute Parents. British Journal of Medical Psychology 37(?). pp.133-141

"In 1964, H.J. Sants ... coined the phrase 'genealogical bewilderment'"

O'Shaughnessy, T. (1994). Adoption, social work and social theory: Making the connections. Brookfield, VT: Ashgate Publishing. (p.119)

Adoption, blood kinship, stigma, and the Adoption Reform Movement: A historical perspective @ http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_qa3757/is_200201/ai_n9059070/pg_10/
[personal profile] 7rin
...although I'm only posting it here'cause Y!A is being an arse and throwing up an error every time I try to post it.

G'want then, I'll bite, since you've called me out...

So you're happy that your mom felt she couldn't raise you and so *had to* give you away to someone "better"? Bully for you - personally, I see a kid losing their mom as one of the greatest tragedies. Put it this way, if she'd died instead, would you still be celebrating your loss as something to pimp to all and sundry? I'm gonna guess at your answer being no - in which case, why is losing her to adoption any less awful?

As much as she wanted to keep me she put my happiness and comfort in front of her own, like a true mother would and contacted an adoption agency.
See, this is where you're confused, a true mother would've fought like a tiger to never have to leave you.

Because of my Birth Mother's sacrifice for me I was able to grow up in a family that had a mother and father.
Because of my friends' mom's abandonment, my friend had to grow up with aparents that divorced six months after the adoption went through, and then had to suffer sexual and mental abuse at the hands of the adad she was doomed to live with, as well as all the 'lodgers' that he invited to play with her too.

but you got a family who did and saying that you would have rather been aborted than been born is a selfish thing to say and it is a slap in the face to your adoptive family who raised you.
#1: I had a family (two, actually) that would have loved to have been able to love me, but the one side lost me 'cause their daughter/sibling/mom decided to abandon me, and the other side didn't even get to find out I existed until after I turned up on my dad's doorstep 'cause I was palmed off while he was away in the army.

#2: Well, since my amom (y'know, that magickul individual that helped raise me) understands entirely what I mean when I say it, I'd say that actually no, it's not a slap in the face. Then again, she also still believes that my best option at the time would've been for me to abort my (now 19 yr old) daughter ... but I wouldn't expect you to be able to understand any of it (maybe one day, when you've grown up a bit and seen just what life can do to people), especially if I told you that she is - and always has been - a doting granny whilst still managing to hold that opinion.

See, the difference between us (me and my amom) and you is that we deal with the practicalities and realities, whereas you pontificate in the rainbow farting unicorn fog.

The quotes you give are all anti-adoption quotes and those people never focus on the good that can come from adoption.
LOL. The quotes I give are from one book, and that one book was written by an ADOPTIVE PARENT! Nice try though.

I plan on adopting whether it be an infant or an older child and I plan on being a foster parent to help those children who weren't as lucky as me.
So? What d'yer want? A pat on the back for being a good little saviour? Not gonna happen.

So tell me, how can so many people be against adoption?
We've told you, time and again, but I'll repeat it here and now for the hard of reading: So many people can be against adoption because we've lived through the traumas of it.

I can understand how people would think abortion is a bad thing, but you rarely hear the good stories
I don't think abortion's a bad thing, and there are good stories out there, but I do think adoption's a bloody horrendously sad thing to have to happen to anyone.

Oh, and just so's you know, the world is crammed with "happy adoptee" stories, which is why the myths've been able to drag on for so long and are so difficult to get past, but the truth WILL out.

I'm not for adoption for anyone, at least not until it involves the supply of an adoption certificate that names all four (or more) parents; and that the adoptee is guaranteed access to that certificate for the entirety of their lives.

If we're gonna trade kids like we trade everything else in the world, at least make sure they’ve got a truthful paper-trail that THEY can follow whenever THEY wanna follow it.

If I hadn't seen so damn clearly what family is *meant to be*, then adoption wouldn't hurt so damn much!
[personal profile] 7rin
You know what'd be much much MUCH kinder? If you moved to Russia and learned his language instead.

International Adoption, Fraud, and "Orphans" @ http://www.momlogic.com/2010/07/international_adoption_fraud_and_orphans.php
Western parents who adopt from the developing world often believe they're in the midst of a double blessing: expanding their families by bringing home deeply wanted children and at the same time offering those children - orphans! - a happier, better life than they ever could have led in their own impoverished countries. There's nothing wrong with this belief - these parents' hearts are in the right place - but a recent article suggests that in many cases, the facts of international adoption aren't what they seem.

Child trafficking disguised as adoption @ http://www.wnd.com/news/article.asp?ARTICLE_ID=54648#ixzz1NiHwnavt
__Children not commodities of international trade__

Of all the ways children are trafficked, however, one of the most undetected remains through international adoption, which has been on the rise for years, from 6,472 in 1992 to 22,728 in 2005 in the U.S. alone.

While parents around the globe are presented with opportunities to rescue orphans from impoverished backgrounds, many adoptions are inadvertently masking and perpetuating the dark world of child trafficking. Prospective parents must beware that just because visas are issued doesn't mean the child is not a victim of the adoptive market. Child trafficking is not just a sexual and labor trade – it's pro-adoption, too!

See also:

Re-evaluating Adoption: Validating the Local @ http://dissidentvoice.org/2008/02/re-evaluating-adoption-validating-the-local/

The Baby Trade @ http://www.againstchildtrafficking.org/2010/12/the-baby-trade/

Child Laundering as Exploitation: Applying AntiTrafficking Norms to Intercountry Adoption Under the Coming Hague Regime @ http://works.bepress.com/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1005&context=david_smolin

It's entirely possible to help someone parent without snatching their child away from them: Each One Help One @ http://www.values.com/your-inspirational-stories/1306-EACH-ONE-HELP-ONE

My aparents have had to watch as their kid goes through all of the agony and trauma that comes with being adopted. They have had absolutely no help in dealing with any of this - as all good parents do, they winged it. It's testament to their brilliance that I'm even remotely sane (hush you lot at the back! :p) and a functioning member of society.

Adoption screws kids up. It's not a fact that the adoption mongers like seeing said in public, but it's true. Not every kid, obviously - some on here are happy to've been adopted, but a surprisingly high percentage of us grow up deeply screwed up.

I was abandoned to adoption at seven months old. I honestly and truly wish that I'd been aborted instead of abandoned to adoption, so please be prepared for the fact that any kid you adopt could grow up to be as screwed up as me (I'm almost 40, so legally "grown up" in pretty much everywhere).

Actually, if you adopt, the kid still won't be your own. You need to be able to deal with the fact that being a parent to an adoptee is NOT the same as being a parent to your own child. It will not elicit the same feelings in you, and your gut reactions will be off because there is no genetic similarity to recognise. Yes, you'll learn it all in time, and if you're a good a'rent, you won't even take out your frustration at the kid not being your own child on the child you adopt instead.

I suggest you read the links and blurb mentioned in the Best Answer (as chosen by voters) @ http://uk.answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20101114222810AAiOtS3 and then read back through a few months worth of resolved questions here in Y!A adoption.

Comprehend that lot, and you'll be about ready to adopt. :)
[personal profile] 7rin
Woman ends 4-year DMV fight for license
Birth certificate omission prevented renewal
Monday, 19 Jul 2010

NORFOLK, Va. (WAVY) - A Norfolk woman couldn't get a drivers license because of a small omission on her birth certificate.

Without a valid, state-issued ID. or drivers license, Jessica Cross could not retire. She said she tried everything to get her license renewed, but had no luck.

"There's times I cry. I say to myself, 'I'm adopted and I'm a nobody,'" said Cross.
[personal profile] 7rin
The following text was in response to an irate email I got from someone over on the Y!A Adoption board.

I'll give you their email to me first, but under the cut. My answer is something I don't feel like hiding.

Read more... )

My reply:

You're right, I can change my approach, but I won't.

You might be happy at knowing you've abandoned your kid, but I was that kid 37 years ago, and I'll scream it as loud as necessary that I got hurt by adoption.

If *I* can get hurt by adoption, even though I grew up in the ideal upper working class family with no divorce, no abuse, and no real big fallings out, and with more love than you can imagine, then anyone can get hurt by adoption.

I don't care whether people like the message I'm delivering or not. Nor do I care whether people like the way I deliver it.

I AM HURTING. I am hurting NOW!

I am hurting now *because* I *was* /abandoned/ to adoption.

I'm a mom, and can not understand how ANYONE could abandon their kid.

I can understand how contact can drift, but I can't comprehend how anyone who's made the decision to not have an abortion, can instead then palm their kid off on the nearest person that they can get away with palming it off on to, just because they can't be arsed to do the rest.

When you've made the decision that you're not gonna abort the child you're carrying, then you're implicitly agreeing to take on the responsibility for that child - which means looking after it yourself because only YOU can provide the love that that kid *needs*.

Anyone else is just a stop-gap until you can get your mom back, no matter kind and warm and loving and caring and giving those other people may be. THEY ARE NOT YOU!
[personal profile] 7rin
Adoption and Loss: The Hidden Grief
Evelyn Burns Robinson @ http://www.adoptioncrossroads.org/Adoption&Loss.html (dead link, but review available @ http://www.ccnm-mothers.ca/English/articles/Robinson.htm )

Adoption Healing... the path to recovery for mothers who lost children to adoption
Joe Soll @ https://www.adoptionhealing.com/Moms/

Adoptees in Reunion: The Psychological Integration of Adoption, Motivations for Reunion, and the Reunion Relationship
@ http://www.nla.gov.au/openpublish/index.php/aja/article/view/1447/1776 {.pdf format}

Adoption: Uncharted Waters
David Kirschner @ http://www.adoptionunchartedwaters.com/

Being Adopted: The Lifelong Search for Self
David Brodzinsky @ http://library.adoption.com/articles/being-adopted-the-lifelong-search-for-self.html

Coming Home to Self: The Adopted Child Grows Up
Nancy Verrier @ http://nancyverrier.com/coming-home-to-self/

Journey of the Adopted Self: A Quest for Wholeness
Betty Jean Lifton @ http://www.plumsite.com/bjlifton/

Lost and Found: the Adoption Experience
Betty Jean Lifton @ http://www.plumsite.com/bjlifton/

The Adopted break Silence
Jean Paton @ http://www.uoregon.edu/~adoption/archive/PatonTABS.htm

The Girls Who Went Away
Ann Fessler @ www.thegirlswhowentaway.com/

The Primal Wound: Understanding the Adopted Child
Nancy Verrier @ http://nancyverrier.com/the-primal-wound/

Unlearning Adoption: A Guide to Family Preservation and Protection
Jessica DelBalzo @ http://books.google.co.uk/books/about/Unlearning_Adoption.html?id=AjeXPAAACAAJ

Without a map
Meredith Hall @ http://meredithhall.org/
[personal profile] 7rin
Taken from Nancy Verrier's book, Coming Home to Self.

For the adoptee every day is a challenge of trying to figure out how to be, although he probably doesn't understand the difficulty this presents for him. It has been true his whole life and, therefore, feels normal. However, it takes a great deal of energy and concentration. And it never feels quite right. He never quite fits. Therefore he feels as if /he/ is never quite right.
(pg 50)

Abandonment and neglect are reported to be the two most devastating experiences that children endure - even more devastating then sexual or physical abuse. That's why some neglected children do naughty things to get attention. Even though the attention is hurtful - being yelled at, hit, or otherwise harmed - it is better than neglect. /Anything/ is better than abandonment. Abandonment is a child's greatest fear. For adoptees, it is also reality, embedded in their implicit and unintegrated memory.
(pg 102)

It is sometimes difficult to spot grief in children. After all, it isn't as if the child sits in a puddle of tears his entire childhood. As one adoptee said, "Of course I played, laughed, sang. Do people think that if you're not sitting in a corner with your head on your knees, you are not sad? I had happy times, but the sadness was always there, even when I was having fun."
(pg 117)

[personal profile] 7rin
Am I supposed to be unhappy with my parents for adopting me?
I was adopted when I was a baby because my birthmother was in a crisis situation. I don't know what it was, because it was a closed adoption, but I think she was either raped or a teenager in a bad situation. Whatever the reason, she put me up for adoption because she knew she would not be able to provide for me, take care of me, or give me a good home. So I was adopted.

My adoptive parents are the best parents in the world. I never wanted for anything. They have given me love, support, and a good home where I had an amazing life. They waited for ten years, trying to get pregnant but for medical reasons were unable to, before I was born. I am very close with my family and it doesn't matter that I was adopted because we might as well be biological. It just doesn't matter that my mom didn't actually give birth to me.

I don't have any feelings of abandonment, as some may call them. I know that my birthmother was making a very hard decision, and am grateful for it. Even if she didn't want me, why would I want to live with someone who didn't want me? I was able to have a life that I would never have had otherwise. I don't feel that I lost my family; I feel as if I gained one. My adoptive family aren't strangers; they're my family.

I have come across several people who are against adoption and think it's something evil. I just don't understand how this can be. Am I supposed to resent my birthmother for not keeping me when doing so would've given me a life of hell? Am I supposed to be angry that I was taken into a loving family that gave me everything I ever needed or wanted? No rude comments please.
8 hours ago

Additional Details
I am happy with my parents. What I'm asking is why do other people have those unhappy feelings?
8 hours ago

I know how blessed I am. I'm very grateful for my adoptive parents. I guess my question is why are other people angry or resentful?
8 hours ago
My reply was
You're fantasising. That's one of the 'stages' in the "learning to live with being adopted" process.

I didn't know what the crisis situation was that my bmom was in either, and I too conjured up images of how she might've been raped, or in a bad situation, and that she only put me up for adoption because she wanted the best for me.

Real Life has a habit of not matching up too well with fantasy though, and the reality is that she couldn't be arsed with looking after me.

Unless you know what feelings of abandonment feel like, you're not gonna know whether you've got them or not - you won't know it until you trip over it.

You don't know that your birthmother keeping you would've given you a life of hell, because you've already stated that you don't know what the circumstances are.

Those who're angry, or resentful, are almost never (IME) angry or resentful at the afamily for taking them awway from their bfamily. What they're angry at is the shroud of secrecy that hides their 'other life' away from them, meaning that they can't learn anything about their own version of history. They'll probably never know what 'side' they were truly on during $war, nor ever really know what kinds of things they're ancestors believed in, because they'll almost certainly not have a clue who - or where - those ancestors are.

I love my afamily dearly, and the one almost wish I have is that I were born into the family instead of being adopted into it - but if I had been, I wouldn't be anything like the person that I am now, because I really do have so very many traits picked up from my biological mom.

Soz dear, hate to tell you, but your post reads like you're in deep deep denial to me. Then again, I'm only going from what I see here, and am in no way a trained professional.
[personal profile] 7rin
Timeline went something like:
12th August 2009: Found 'em on FB
18th August 2009: Added mat.bsis on FB
19th August 2009: Dummy acc. PMed bmom
8th September 2009: FB conflab with bmom
9th September 2009: bmom turns up on doorstep
11th September 2009: Have met mat.bsis & meet mat.bbro
15th September 2009: Turned up on bdad's doorstep
6th October 2009: Have met Dad proper (why no date!!!)
13th October 2009: 'Session' with mat.bsis, mat.bbro & mat.bcuz
6th November 2009: bdad told pat.bbro about me

Was scheduled to meet bmom in a pub on 11th (was once been my local, but is closer to where she lives), along with mat.bbro and bmom's hubby, and a long-standing friend of mine who's also 'local' to the pub. What actually happened was that she 'phoned me from her mobile on 9th saying she was about to drive past anyway (legitimately) and so could she call in and meet 'cause she couldn't wait until the Friday. I said yeah 'cause tbh, waiting was killing me, and so she turned up on the drive in the car with a mate. I was a bit miffed that I couldn't tell which one she was gonna be until they got up the drive and she introduced herself - of course, once I had time to take everyone in, it was blatantly obvious which one my mom was, but at the door I had no clue. They came in, we drank cups of tea and coffee, and smoked fags, and talked about everything and nothing.

It was mind blowing.

Meeting dad was weirder, at least on initial viewing anyway. Mom had given me what she thought was his entry in the 'phone directory, on the day that the new 'phone directory for the area came out, and his number wasn't in it! I panicked. What if it *was* him, and he'd moved away? It was five minutes away, and so I *had to* go around to the address and find out if he was still there or not (if it was him at all). I took a deep breath and knocked the door.

It wouldn't've mattered if he denied all knowledge of me or not. I was stood looking in my physical mirror. Where I look (sound, laugh, sneeze, cough, strop, etc.) like my mom, I'm shaped like my dad. I'd never understood my body before because I didn't recognise it. I drove away from that first (very very short) meeting with my dad entirely validated in my own existence. I all of a sudden knew exactly where I'd come from.

Met mat.bbro in the pub on the day set up to meet mom, and mat.bsis at her flat. Haven't yet met pat.bbro but am deeply looking forward to it. And grumpy cow as she may be, I actually would like to meet my pat.bsis, despite her not wanting to have anything to do with me because she's in a snit with our dad.

Try not to go in with ANY preconceptions, because you have absolutely no idea what you'll find. All sides of my families have screw ups, but then I don't know a family that doesn't. The only difference is in the extremes, as far as I can see.
[personal profile] 7rin
This was my answer to the question asked on Y! Answers.
Despite the fact that my amom appears to've been utterly apathetic towards my existence, I still would have loved to've at least been able to do things like know where she was if there was a question I needed to ask.

Selfish, perhaps. But I can't get past the thought that you're parents are *meant to be* "there for you". They're the whole reason you exist :!

I think if I knew family were being actively hidden from me, I'd be angry, because I want to be able to trust my family to be actively honest with me. No matter how bad it may appear from someone else's perspective, once I'm actually old enough to understand the potential dangers, then it should be my decision as to whether I decide to integrate them into my life.

We may not like all the people we know, and we can love some surprisingly 'nasty bastards' with impunity.

At least make sure you both know where the other lives, even if there is agreement for there never to be any =actual= contact until the adoptee is ready.
[personal profile] 7rin
The following quotes are taken from this Y! Answers page.

Read more... )

The Adoption History Project
Before 1945, “fostering” referred to numerous arrangements in which children were cared for in homes other than their own. The point of the term was to contrast institutional care with family placements. The case for foster care was articulated by nineteenth-century child-savers, including Charles Loring Brace, publicized by the orphan trains, and advanced by states that experimented with placing-out children rather than consigning them to orphanages.
Statistics on the Effects of Adoption

ADOPTEES: Your analogies, please? How does it feel to grow up adopted?
  • Growing up blindfolded
  • Round peg in a square hole
  • Like being a lamp placed under a basket
  • Running original Amiga 500 [or 600, 1000, 1200, 2000, 3000, 4000] software on a Windows Amiga Emulator [WinUAE]
  • Like being a puzzle with all the edges missing, and most of the center too
  • Like being a book without the first chapters
  • Like being stranded on an island in a sea of people
  • Not having chapter 1 - and lacking the language skills to figure it out
  • Like being onstage - but having memorized the lines for a different play and trying to improvise to be in the play I WAS in
  • Given the parts for several different appliances, told it was one, and expected to somehow piece it together and make it work
  • Being a red brick in a white wall
  • Like being in a room with the light shut off, and I'm stumbling around for the light to turn it on
[personal profile] 7rin
The following articles explain in detail the cost of adoption:

Claudia Corrigan D'Arcy's The National Council for Adoption: Mothers, Money, Marketing, and Madness parts one, two and three.

This article highlights many price lists: http://adoptioncritic.com/2011/08/18/babies-for-sale/

This thread is a list of adoptees discussing how much each of them cost: http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index.php?topic=26741.0

Sunny asking "So if adoption 'fees' are legit, why the difference in cost for a bi-racial vs. black baby?" over @ http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20101121204457AAqYFbm


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