[personal profile] 7rin
http://www.the-broad-side.com/adoption-a-different-option

by Rebekah Kuschmider on September 12, 2013

For many years, anti-choice activists have suggested that adoption is the kinder option than abortion. They argue that babies deserve life and there are families who will adopt unwanted infants. Recently, conservative pundit S.E. Cupp intimated it that it was a moral obligation of pregnant women otherwise considering abortion to instead carry babies to term so that families seeking children could have the opportunity to be parents. It seems like a winning combination: unwanted baby, family who wants a baby, woman absolved of responsibility for the baby.

Adoption should be an option. Only, I’m not talking about the babies-to-be. I’m talking about the mothers-to-be.

I do not wish to minimize the strength of character it takes for a woman and an adoptive couple to reach terms that allow a baby to be given the best home possible. That’s an admirable course of action. For a woman who is not in circumstances to raise a child, finding an adoptive family for an unborn baby can be a blessing of invaluable magnitude. But why should the mother give up a baby whom, studies suggest, she would undoubtedly love? Why should the mother continue to live in circumstances that preclude raising a child when her circumstances could be changed by the act of adopting…her?

Anti-choice families who wish to see women carry, birth and raise babies should bring those women into their homes. They should treat them as they would treat their own pregnant daughter. Provide them with food, clothing and shelter. Enroll them on their insurance plan and get them the best prenatal care. Find a school for the women to attend if they need education, assist them in finding work if they need work. Give them a car. Give them emotional support. Take them to church and social events. Make them a part of the life that they lead – a forever life, not just the duration of the pregnancy.

After the baby is born, give mother and baby the same shower of love, support and material goods that they would a grandchild. They should offer assistance with childcare so the mother can work or attend school, maybe subsidize an apartment if they want to have their own place. They should read stories to and play tag with the child as he or she grows, and welcome mother and child beneath the Christmas tree and at the Thanksgiving table every year.

Make having a baby possible. Make raising a baby possible.

Too often I read about Crisis Pregnancy Centers that counsel against abortion and offer pregnant women rudimentary help. Cast-off baby goods. Diapers. A sheaf of papers they can use to apply for housing or medical aid. But how much of a difference does that ultimately make? Does it break the cycle of poverty? Elevate women to true self-sufficiency? Does it prevent the next unintended pregnancy? Or is it a band-aid on a larger issue, measures meant to make sure babies are born? But what happens after? What happens to mothers who raise their babies within our limited safety net? What happens to mothers who relinquish their babies to adoption?

Yes, adoption is an option and no one is saying it shouldn’t be. But as a student of the nature of unintended pregnancy, my conclusions after reading about who the women who seek abortion is that it isn’t their babies who need to be whisked off to a better life. It’s them.
[personal profile] 7rin
by Heather Lowe

One of the things I hear most frequently from parents who have recently lost children to adoption is, "If ONLY I had known." People in a crisis pregnancy are especially prone to denial, and it's very hard to accurately imagine what adoption will be like. I am posting these items in an effort to share the things I wish I had known when I was considering adoption (and was stuck in major denial myself.)
Adoption might well be the best thing for you and your child, but in order to be a truly good thing, it needs to be a well-considered decision, and you need to hear the negative aspects as well as the positive.

This list will likely change and grow as input from other first parents is received. Please visit the guestbook on my website if you are a first parent wanting to add advice to this site.




Read more... )

Note: The terms "unwed" mother, "birthmom", "biological" parent make a parent appear to be less than the mother or father they are. These terms dehumanize and limit the parent's role to that of an incubator. Using the honest terms "mother", "single mother" or "natural mother" help the public to understand why real family members must not be separated to obtain babies for adoption.
[personal profile] 7rin
Babies are being snatched for adoption John Hemming is right, says Consumer Group
Press Release - 29th January 2007

The government is denying that social workers are targeting babies for adoption. Listening to desperate calls from pregnant women or mothers of new babies and toddlers on our help-line would quickly show their denials are not true.

Health visitors are often instructed to give all parents a "risk rating", if possible while the child is still in the womb, or soon after the birth - this is done without parents' knowledge or consent. The questionnaire used is highly inaccurate as a predictive tool, and has a very high rate of false positives. Pregnant teenagers, the unemployed, anyone with a history of mental illness, and so on, are on the watch list - supposedly so that they can get extra support, but it is often simply extra surveillance. Midwives are instructed to report risk factors, and are losing the trust of the women they care for.

Read more... )
[personal profile] 7rin
MumsNet Discussion: This fear that social services will come and take your children...

Message poster willsurvivethis Fri 29-Jan-10 15:41:24
...it worries me!

There seem to be so many women out there who are afraid to seek help for depression and other problems out of fear that they will lose their children.

I have just asked MNHQ if they would consider doing something with this. Because surely if so many of us fear to lose our children something is going wrong somewhere! Surely we should all be albe to seek help with confidence?

What are your thoughts on this? I struggle with PTSD and even told my doctor that I tended to keep emotional distance from my ds when he's ill without even considering the possibility of that having repercussions.

Message poster Comewhinewithme Fri 29-Jan-10 15:45:12
Yes I won't go to the GP and tell him that since having my dd I have flashbacks to the awful birth and somedays I feel as though I can't go on because I am scared that ss would somehow become involved .

Message poster Comewhinewithme Fri 29-Jan-10 15:46:09
You are right BTW it does need addressing so people are not afraid to access the help they need.

Message poster FlamingoBingo Fri 29-Jan-10 15:48:25
Yup. I'm afraid to be honest about how I feel sometimes for fear of what will happen to my children.

Message poster JollyPirate Fri 29-Jan-10 16:04:23
Yes this needs addressing. I have recently worked with a young Mum who took ages tp seek help for her terrible PND because her Mum told her that if she was antidepressants her shit of a boyfriend (who physically, emotionally and psychologically abused her) would be able to get custody of their two children . Or that social services would be round.

It took me an awful lot of visiting and listening and discussion before she felt able to seek the help she needed. An awful lot of reassurance that she was brilliant mum doing a fantastic job before she could believe me.

Now she is better - on antidepressants but weaning off.

Definitely needs discussion.

(Read more)
[personal profile] 7rin
Do we need a law against incest?

The European human rights court has upheld a German ruling against sibling incest, but some questions remain unanswered

Paul Behrens 15 April 2012

The European court of human rights is no stranger to controversy. Last Thursday, however, Strasbourg played it safe and did the expected. The court ruled it was all right to have a law against incest.

The man who brought the case was Patrick Stübing – a young German, who was separated from his family as a little child. When he was in his 20s, he looked for and found his biological mother. He also found his sister, with whom he fell in love. After their mother's death, the siblings began a sexual relationship, which produced four children.

It is not the only case in which biological siblings met only later in life and began sexual relations. One of the theories to explain the phenomenon is that the absence overcomes the "Westermarck effect" that usually applies: kids who grow up together tend to become desensitised to mutual sexual attraction.

Read more... )
[personal profile] 7rin
Genetic sexual attraction

You're 40, happily married - and then you meet your long-lost brother and fall passionately in love. This isn't fiction; in the age of the sperm donor, it's a growing reality: 50% of reunions between siblings, or parents and offspring, separated at birth result in obsessive emotions. Last month, a former police officer was convicted of incest with his half-sister - but should we criminalise a bond hardwired into our psychology? Alix Kirsta talks to those who have suffered the torment of 'genetic sexual attraction'

The Guardian, Saturday 17 May 2003

At first, Ivor Lytton's emotional predicament seems unremarkable, no different from the woes that make up any agony aunt's weekly column. On Sunday October 4 1998, Lytton, an Edinburgh public relations consultant, met the love of his life. The meeting took place at a dinner party at a fashionable country inn. Rita Meadows, who lives in South Africa, was on holiday in Scotland. Describing their meeting, Lytton's words overflow with sentiment. "From the moment we met, I was smitten, and continued to be drawn to her like a magnet. As I got to know her, I felt she had given me a life transmission. She put a smile in my heart and a spring in my step." Each October for the past four years, he has sent her a card to commemorate the date of their meeting.

What Lytton didn't know was that the consequences of that love would plunge him into the most devastating crisis of his life. Read more... )
[personal profile] 7rin
Forbidden love of the brother and sister
Last updated at 15:43 01 March 2007

Had it stopped at an appropriate point, the story of Patrick Stuebing and Susan Karolewski could have been poignant and moving.

Separated by adoption in their native East Germany, the siblings met for the first time in 2000 when Patrick tracked down his birth mother and the younger sister he had never met.

If their mother, Ana Marie, were alive today, however, she would, in all likelihood, be wishing her estranged son had never found his way home.

Because for the past seven years, brother and sister have been lovers. In that time they have had four children together - two of whom are mentally and physically disabled and all of whom are now in care.

Read more... )
[personal profile] 7rin
Quoting kamio over at AAAFC

{quote}
It doesn't matter to me whether I am better off adopted, or if my life with my bmother would have been crap. It does not shift the deep longing and pain inside.

This is what non-adoptees don't understand. You cannot apply logic to emotions. They can tell me over and over that it's best to be in a stable environment, etc.

Does that cancel out the anxiety, depression, fear of abanonment, interpreting everything as rejection, the poor self-esteem, bad impulse control? Hell no! They are embedded deep within my psyche, from childhood.

And because of their assumptions about why adoption is better etc, this leaves no room to understand the emotional issues, or create therapies for it. Because that would mean rethinking adoption.
{/quote}
[personal profile] 7rin
Teenage Childbearing and Its Life Cycle Consequences
Exploiting a Natural Experiment

V. Joseph Hotz, Susan Williams McElroy and Seth G. Sanders
Abstract

We exploit a "natural experiment" associated with human reproduction to identify the causal effect of teen childbearing on the socioeconomic attainment of teen mothers. We exploit the fact that some women who become pregnant experience a miscarriage and do not have a live birth. Using miscarriages an instrumental variable, we estimate the effect of teen mothers not delaying their childbearing on their subsequent attainment. We find that many of the negative consequences of teenage childbearing are much smaller than those found in previous studies. For most outcomes, the adverse consequences of early childbearing are short-lived. Finally, for annual hours of work and earnings, we find that a teen mother would have lower levels of each at older ages if they had delayed their childbearing.

Received October 1, 2002.
Accepted July 1, 2004.
© 2005 by the Board of Regents of the University of Wisconsin System
[personal profile] 7rin
The following's the question I asked over on the AAAFC General Discussion forum (on 26 February 2012). I'm reposting the question here in case anyone wants to share, 'n' also because it's an interesting thread to link to in its own right.

{quote}
I do wonder how many of the adoptees out there just lack the language available 'cause it's not acknowledged by the general population (i.e. adoption fucks you up), rather than so many people being said by others to be "happy" with their adoptions.

Ok, this is that new post that sprung out of my head when I was finishing typing ^^that.

How many people know how you actually REALLY feel about adoption and all that it entails?

F'r instance, would your amom's cousin describe you as "well our I's adopted daughter's turned out just fine, and isn't at all bothered by her adoption"? Or does everyone that's anyone know that "well, L's daughter was adopted, but she's entirely unhappy with the fact that it happened, and would counsel anyone contemplating the thought against it"?

Those of my families that're on FB probably can't help but be aware that I'm most definitely not a "happy adoptee", given how much I post on the subject. Not sure how much the rest of my families know of my opinion on the issue. I don't think amom's cousin'd describe me as "happy with adoption" any more, but icbw.
{/quote}
[personal profile] 7rin
Quoting Vertigo in For those who are for adoption instead of abortion ...

I just read this true account. I think it answers your question:

"When I relinquished my baby, I lost a piece of myself, part of my soul; it drained my fundamental sense of womanhood from me. I have never regained that sense. I was just coming into full womanhood at 20; I was not allowed to complete the journey. Some women turned all of this into making careers for themselves. For me, it stopped me dead in my tracks and now, at 58, I flounder alone in my life, having failed at marriage also. I directly attribute this to the loss of my only child. There just don't seem to be words for what I lost and can never get back, can never substitute for. My son is now 37 years old and hates me. What's ironic about all of this is that I loved him so much that I gave him up so he would have love, not understanding that my love was the only love he really needed. And now I understand that his love for his real mother was all I really needed, and both of us have been denied that fundamental and basic life force. I have tried to reach him, but it is too late. How does one make patterns in their life when everything is colored by grief? I've been in intensive therapy for years to find that out. If you find the answer, will you let me know? Does anyone know what heals a first mother of this loss? I don't think there is anything."
[personal profile] 7rin
http://lifemothers.com/thewall.html

This was originally discovered at the above link. This link has, unfortunately disappeared, however, I have found a Way-back Machine archived version of this page, which I am thus requoting here in full just in case such valuable information should ever disappear again.

The Wall: Open Adoption

Author: Terri Enbourge


Imagine there is a wall.

Enormously high and dangerously slick, it is impossible to scale. Its foundation is barbed deep into the ground beneath it, so attempting to tunnel under the wall is potentially lethal. Seen from a distance the wall appears benign to most, while to some it has become sacred in its external perfection. This wall divides the entire world, and it stands in between you and your child.

On random occasions, an opening appears in the wall. You never know when it will come, so you spend your days walking back and forth scanning the bricks and mortar endlessly, just in case. You never know how large or small the opening might be or how low to the ground, and so you learn crawl and to contort your self to any size or shape, in case you are asked to enter. And you never know how long it will remain open or what conditions might close it, so you learn to be on guard -- careful, so careful of what you say.

Whatever time you may spend on the other side of The Wall remains at another's discretion, so your bags remain packed, carried on your back, waiting for the moment you are forced back through the opening -- back to your side of the wall where your vigil begins once more, wondering when or if The Wall will ever open again.

Imagine years of enduring The Wall: The random openings and closings, the unpacked weight on your shoulders, the contortion of body and soul -- all to stroke your child's hair for a single moment, gaze upon her face for an hour, play a supervised game of monopoly with her every few years, or simply snap a photo of her.

Now stop imagining, because this is the world of countless mothers who have lost children to the system called Open Adoption.

Absolute Power: The Wall's Foundation

Read more... )
[personal profile] 7rin
I have given a baby up for adoption, and I have had an abortion, and while anecdotes are not evidence, I can assert that abortions may or may not cause depression - it certainly did not in me, apart from briefly mourning the path not taken - but adoption? That is an entirely different matter. I don't doubt that there are women who were fine after adoption, and there is emphatically nothing wrong with that or with them; but I want to point out that if we're going to have a seemingly neverending discussion about the sorrow and remorse caused by abortion, then it is about goddamn time that we hear from birth mothers too.

Believe me when I say that of the two choices, it was adoption that nearly destroyed me - and it never ends. The only comparison I have is the death of a loved one. The pain retreats, maybe fades, but it comes right back if I poke at it. Writing this has taken me nearly two weeks. Normally, I can write this amount in about thirty minutes, with bathroom breaks. I started to type, and stopped only to reread, then go wail into my pillow. There is no such thing as "over" with this.
This was originally discovered at the above link. This link has, unfortunately disappeared, however, I have found a rawer, more original version of this page, which I am thus requoting here in full just in case such valuable information should ever disappear again.

URL found at: http://www.shakesville.com/2009/03/breaking-silence-on-living-pro-lifers.html

It is preferable that you visit the original site as there is also a comments section that could be useful to peruse.

Read more... )
[personal profile] 7rin
Adoption Loss is the only trauma in the world where the victims are expected by the whole of society to be grateful - The Reverend Keith C. Griffith MBEPlease sign the petition I've created:
Allow adult adoptees to be repatriated into THEIR OWN families
@
http://epetitions.direct.gov.uk/petitions/38120



Posts within this community are under-going over-haul in an effort to make the information contained within them easier to find.

Sadly, the process of over-hauling is likely to cause those visiting from previously posted links to either encounter information they are not expecting to find, or possibly even dead links. I apologise to any visitor who encounters such difficulties, and ask that they refer to the community tag reference page in order to more easily find the information they were originally seeking.

During the course of time, the administrative staff of this community have been saddened to find that some of the valuable information that has been previously linked is no longer available from whence it originally came (perhaps it got surprise adopted? ;)), thus, as a ward against the loss of valuable information, many posts will now be replicated in full. If you are the original author of such works and oppose its replication on this site, please contact the administrative team on 7rin dot on dot adoption at gmail dot com.

The administrative staff of this community thank you for your time.
[personal profile] 7rin
Adoption Issues From a Strengths Perspective
By Deborah H. Siegel, PhD, LICSW, DCSW, ACSW
Social Work Today - July/August 2008 Issue - Vol. 8 No. 4 P. 34

Birth parents, adoptive parents, and adoptees face predictable crises given the life-changing nature of this event. Idealized or deficit approaches don't work, but a strengths perspective does.

Sam is a bright, energetic, enthusiastic 12-year-old boy. His mom and dad, Mary and Mack, love him dearly and are earnest, skilled parents who conscientiously create a nurturing home. Sam thrives; he has a best friend next door, gets Bs in school, attends weekly religious school and prayer services, walks his dog every day after school, and enjoys riding his bike and playing his electric guitar. He and his parents often go on hikes, attend sporting events, and take day trips as a family or with friends. It appears that Sam is doing well because he is adopted.

This description accurately summarizes Sam's life, and so does this: Sam was born with cocaine, marijuana, and alcohol in his tiny body. Sam's birth father, incarcerated shortly after Sam was conceived, has never seen him. The state child welfare agency removed Sam from his mother's custody shortly after birth, and in the first two years of life, Sam lived in four different foster homes before he was legally freed for adoption. Sam's behavior is often impulsive, hyperactive, and inattentive. His classmates tend to steer clear of him because he bumps into them, grabs their things, or blurts out rude comments (e.g., "You're stupid!"). Homework is a daily struggle, as Sam finds it hard to sit still and stay on task. He often forgets, loses, or partially completes his assignments. Lately, his behavior at home has been especially irritable; when his parents prompt him to do a task he doesn't like, he yells, "You're not the boss of me!" and stomps away. He's spending more time alone in his room. It appears that Sam is struggling because he is adopted.

Read more... )

- Deborah H. Siegel, PhD, LICSW, DCSW, ACSW, is a professor in the School of Social Work at Rhode Island College, a clinician specializing in adoption issues, an adoption researcher, and an adoptive parent.
[personal profile] 7rin
Family Rights Group @ http://www.frg.org.uk/

Stopping the adoption process @ http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/Parents/Adoptionfosteringandchildrenincare/AdoptionAndFostering/DG_10021336

Contact Ian Josephs @ http://www.forced-adoption.com/

You may be able to get publicly funded legal advice and representation in court. A solicitor will be able to advise you. Find a solicitor through the Community Legal Service Directory @ http://www.communitylegaladvice.org.uk/

Fassit was founded in 2005. A non-governmental voluntary organisation independent of Local Authority Social Services Departments. Fassit provides a website containing information and advice for families with children experiencing frustration in working with Social Services in Child protection Proceedings @ http://www.fassit.co.uk/

Christopher Booker @ The Telegraph @ http://www.telegraph.co.uk/comment/columnists/christopherbooker/

Justice for my children @ http://www.justice-for-my-children.co.uk/

Parents Against Injustice (PAIN) @ http://www.parentsagainstinjustice.org.uk/

Home - the centre for separated families @ http://www.separatedfamilies.info/

National Youth Advocacy Service (NYAS) is a UK charity providing children's rights and socio-legal services. We offer information, advice, advocacy and legal representation to children and young people up to the age of 25, through a network of advocates throughout England and Wales. NYAS is also a community Legal Service @ http://www.nyas.net/

GOOD LUCK!
[personal profile] 7rin
Sants, H.J. (1964) Genealogical Bewilderment in Children with Substitute Parents. British Journal of Medical Psychology 37(?). pp.133-141

"In 1964, H.J. Sants ... coined the phrase 'genealogical bewilderment'"

O'Shaughnessy, T. (1994). Adoption, social work and social theory: Making the connections. Brookfield, VT: Ashgate Publishing. (p.119)

Adoption, blood kinship, stigma, and the Adoption Reform Movement: A historical perspective @ http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_qa3757/is_200201/ai_n9059070/pg_10/
[personal profile] 7rin
You can try, but sadly, you won't necessarily succeed: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/04/13/AR2010041302445_3.html

http://adoption.about.com/cs/adoptionrights/a/putative_list.htm is the most important part: you absolutely need to get your name down - like, yesterday - on your local putative father's registry, so make sure this is the first thing you do.

Try the following:
http://www.dad.info/
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fathers'_rights_movement_by_country

Also, you may find http://uk.answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20090921111952AAr2VDL and http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20091031204232AAtbGBd to be useful.

Good luck!
[personal profile] 7rin
Turski, D. (2002) Why "Birthmother" means "Breeder" [online]. Available at: http://foundandlostsupport.com/birthmothermeansbreeder.html [Accessed 07 December 2010]

<Quote>
I had never heard the term "birthmother" until I reunited with my son. When the social worker who located me referred to me as his "birthmother," my first reaction was to instinctively recoil in distaste. What is a "birthmother?" It occurred to me that perhaps she had merely applied this ridiculous sounding term in an attempt at political correctness, so I ignored it. However, when my son's adoptive mother ...  )



Putting a child up for adoption? @ http://uk.answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20100910110801AALw7r3

As asked by H******:

"Where did this term originate?

"Putting a child up for adoption"

Put up where?
"

... and answered by gypsywinter (amongst others):

"Well people and children have been "put up" for sale and slavery for quite awhile in this country. Slaves were 'put up' on platforms to be viewed Read more... )
[personal profile] 7rin
Putative Father Registries

Fathers' rights movements by country


Parental responsibility
If you are a father, but you are not married to your partner and the children are not living with you then you may not have the right to make important decisions concerning the children. If you want this right then you can apply to the court for an order. This is called a "Parental Responsibility Order".

If you are or were married to your partner then you will already have Parental Responsibility. This means you have a right to be kept informed about your children's education, health, welfare and you can make decisions about their education, health and welfare.

Y!A
Fathers right in adoption?

Birth father's rights after an adoption?
[personal profile] 7rin
Posted on Wednesday, December 22, 2004 - 03:54 pm by Aura:

I would like to bring to people’s awareness regarding the many parents who are being labelled ‘unfit to parent’ by social services, just because they have a learning difficulty. There’s no help what’s-so-ever for parents out there with learning difficulties, too many are frightened to ask for help lest they get the same treatment as I’ve received Read more... )
[personal profile] 7rin
UK

Find your original birth or adoption record (DirectGov (UK) site) @ http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/Governmentcitizensandrights/Registeringlifeevents/Birthandadoptionrecords/Adoptionrecords/DG_175567

Using the Adoption Contact Register (DirectGov (UK) site) @ http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/Governmentcitizensandrights/Registeringlifeevents/Birthandadoptionrecords/Adoptionrecords/DG_175603

Julie's People Search @ http://www.julieg.f9.co.uk/longlinkslist.htm

UK Adoptees - Adopted in the UK #searching @ http://ukadoptees.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=searching

USA

Go join http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/ 'cause it's THE best place for adoptees to be, and is chock full of adoptees who've searched and know how to search.

If you are in USA @ http://www.aborn.faithweb.com/
Click where it says " Before you begin your search." Next, read "Proper way to search, part 1" and then "Proper way to search, part 2." Located on the right column.

There's also:
Adoption Search Reunion @ http://www.adoptionsearchreunion.org.uk/
International Soundex Reunion Registry (ISRR) @ http://www.isrr.net/faq.shtml
GS Adoption Registry @ http://gsadoptionregistry.com/
Adoption Reunion Registry @ http://registry.adoption.com/

Register and check back with them often.

The State/Country where they child was born and adopted may have it's own registry and access laws, so check that out also.

Also try Facebook, Google, Myspace, Ancestry.com, etc.

General Search Advice @ http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index.php?topic=754.0

Canada

Origins Canada Search Registry @ http://searchregistry.originscanada.org/

Pay Sites

The Vitalsearch Company Worldwide @ http://www.vitalsearch-worldwide.com/


War Babies

http://www.liberationchildren.org/

Unchecekd

http://www.birthparentfinder.com/

General Search Advice

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index.php?topic=754.0

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