[personal profile] 7rin
EITHER PARENT OR ABORT!

DO NOT ABANDON YOUR CHILD TO ADOPTION!

Also DO NOT contact anyone on here who's saying "mail mail me, I'll snatch your baby away from you"


Adoption or Parenting Not Always the Best Choice
@ http://thenotsodailyherald.wordpress.com/2010/07/27/adoption-or-parenting-not-always-the-best-option/

Abortion is a simple medical procedure which ends a pregnancy
@ http://www.positive.org/JustSayYes/abortion.html

http://www.prochoice.org/

It is entirely possible to have an abortion and not feel guilt because you knew it was the right thing to do: http://www.imnotsorry.net/

http://shakespearessister.blogspot.com/2009/03/breaking-silence-on-living-pro-lifers.html

Abortion: There is a Consensus: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hsSQiazUvgo


Things I Wish I Knew When I Was Considering Adoption
@ http://www.exiledmothers.com/ adoption_facts/wish.html (close gap in URL)

What you should KNOW if you're considering adoption for your baby
@ http://www.cubirthparents.org/edd/index.php?id=1

Considering adoption? Don't feel you have any other options?
@ http://www.keepyourbaby.com/

Myths told the unmarried mother
@ http://gift-not-choice.tripod.com/myths-about-asfa.html

Adoption Truth
@ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QOZGwqHVnKs

Unplanned Pregnancy without Crisis
@ http://www.motherhelp.info/index.htm


Open adoption is almost never legally enforceable, and many parents have lost access to their children due to broken "open" adoption promises.
@ http://www.mercianeclectics.dsl.pipex.com/adoption/OpenAdoptionWall.htm
@ http://www.bringperihome.com/
@ http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20100709095305AAjeM4z
@ http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20100830162150AAi478W


Quotes taken from Nancy Verrier's book, Coming Home to Self
@ www.nancyverrier.com/self_book.php

For the adoptee every day is a challenge of trying to figure out how to be, although he probably doesn't understand the difficulty this presents for him. It has been true his whole life and, therefore, feels normal. However, it takes a great deal of energy and concentration. And it never feels quite right. He never quite fits. Therefore he feels as if /he/ is never quite right.
(pg 50)

Abandonment and neglect are reported to be the two most devastating experiences that children endure - even more devastating then sexual or physical abuse. That's why some neglected children do naughty things to get attention. Even though the attention is hurtful - being yelled at, hit, or otherwise harmed - it is better than neglect. /Anything/ is better than abandonment. Abandonment is a child's greatest fear. For adoptees, it is also reality, embedded in their implicit and unintegrated memory.
(pg 102)

It is sometimes difficult to spot grief in children. After all, it isn't as if the child sits in a puddle of tears his entire childhood. As one adoptee said, "Of course I played, laughed, sang. Do people think that if you're not sitting in a corner with your head on your knees, you are not sad? I had happy times, but the sadness was always there, even when I was having fun."
(pg 117)


_____Links supporting families to stay together_____

Single Mom @ http://www.singlemom.com/
Mentor Moms/MOPS/Teen MOPS (support!) @ http://www.mops.org/
Angel Food (food assistance) @ http://www.angelfoodministries.com/
Feeding America (food assistance) @ http://www.feedingamerica.org/
Co-Abode (housing assistance) @ http://www.coabode.com/
Safe Families (for emergency/crisis care) @ http://www.safe-families.org/
Teens @ http://www.teenbreaks.com/pregnancy/pregnancyhome.cfm
Adoption Crossroads® and Adoption Healing @ http://www.adoptioncrossroads.org
Adopted Child Syndrome @ http://www.amfor.net/acs
Origins-USA @ http://www.origins-usa.org
United Family Services @ http://www.unitedfamilyservices.org/
Family Assistance Foundation @ http://www.familyassistancefoundation.com/
Safelink Wireless @ http://www.safelinkwireless.com/

Finally, I suggest you take notice of the fact that adoption does NOT "save" kids:
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20080229225608AA9mqS9
http://lubbockonline.com/crime-and-courts/2010-12-22/lubbock-man-arrested-sexually-assaulting-adoptive-daughters

Nor that APs will necessarily care for you like they pretend:
@ http://adoptiveparentsspeak.wordpress.com/
@ http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20100106130510AA4Ekce

Good luck!
[personal profile] 7rin
It's entirely possible to help someone parent without snatching their child away from them: Each One Help One @ http://www.values.com/your-inspirational-stories/1306-EACH-ONE-HELP-ONE

This is how the adoption industry finds out the best ways to convince people to abandon their kids:
The National Council for Adoption: Mothers, Money, Marketing, and Madness
* Part 1 @ http://www.divinecaroline.com/22095/39669-national-council-adoption-mothers-money
* Part 2 @ http://www.divinecaroline.com/22095/39676-national-council-adoption--mothers--money-

My aparents have had to watch as their kid goes through all of the agony and trauma that comes with being adopted. They have had absolutely no help in dealing with any of this - as all good parents do, they winged it. It's testament to their brilliance that I'm even remotely sane (hush you lot at the back! :p) and a functioning member of society.

Adoption screws kids up. It's not a fact that the adoption mongers like seeing said in public, but it's true. Not every kid, obviously - some on here are happy to've been adopted, but a surprisingly high percentage of us grow up deeply screwed up.

I was abandoned to adoption at seven months old. I honestly and truly wish that I'd been aborted instead of abandoned to adoption, so please be prepared for the fact that any kid you adopt could grow up to be as screwed up as me (I'm almost 40, so legally "grown up" in pretty much everywhere).

I didn't have a bad adoption - my afamily are the best I could ever have chosen... but if I'd been able to choose, and I'd known then what I know now, I'd've chosen to be aborted before birth instead, 'cause at least that way the lifetime of agony I've gone through would've been over in minutes, instead of the decades that I've been suffering for now.

Please bear in mind that the US Passport agency requires that a birth certificate is filed within one year of birth. You may be causing unnecessary headaches for the person, and they may be denied a passport (as many adopted people frequently are!) - the rules differ state to state.

Actually, if you adopt, the kid still won't be your own. You need to be able to deal with the fact that being a parent to an adoptee is NOT the same as being a parent to your own child. It will not elicit the same feelings in you, and your gut reactions will be off because there is no genetic similarity to recognise. Yes, you'll learn it all in time, and if you're a good a'rent, you won't even take out your frustration at not having your own child on the child you adopt instead.

I suggest you read the links and blurb mentioned in the Best Answer (as chosen by voters) @ http://uk.answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20101114222810AAiOtS3 since that answers your question most thoroughly, and then read back through a few months worth of resolved questions in here http://answers.yahoo.com/dir/index?sid=2115500138

Comprehend that lot, and you'll be about ready to adopt. :)
[personal profile] 7rin
A letter of recommendation for adoption:
Best Answer - Chosen by Voters @ http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20101116132918AAdtKRv

Here is a sample letter:

I have been asked by my very good friends to recommend them for adoption, so obviously I am already biased :)

I know nothing about adoption, but I think that my very good friends would be very good at adoption. They are very good at everything else they do from climbing Mt Everest (only last year) to working with the crud-infected youth from our neighborhood (for a few days before they just got righteously disgusted!). They also throw really great parties and like to kick it in the ‘hood. They know all the in-vogue terms for pot, grass, weed, spliff, etc. (I’ve learned so much from these very learned people – they should be held up as icons of … you know, people). In any case they will be very hip when they’re adoptling reaches the teen years – AND the kid will have responsible parents to party with! Like O.M.G.!!! How cool is that????

I really hope they don’t want to use me as a babysitter all of the time, but you know I guess spending time with someone else’s kid is par for the course in adoption, so maybe I’ll try to humor them. (Whatever!)

But, yeah, you should really consider x and y as a great adoptive couple because, like they really think they know what they want, and like, yeah, it would be cool to have a baby that’s like a blank slate that you can kind of make into anyone you want them to be. Neat, huh?
[personal profile] 7rin
...although I'm only posting it here'cause Y!A is being an arse and throwing up an error every time I try to post it.

G'want then, I'll bite, since you've called me out...

So you're happy that your mom felt she couldn't raise you and so *had to* give you away to someone "better"? Bully for you - personally, I see a kid losing their mom as one of the greatest tragedies. Put it this way, if she'd died instead, would you still be celebrating your loss as something to pimp to all and sundry? I'm gonna guess at your answer being no - in which case, why is losing her to adoption any less awful?

As much as she wanted to keep me she put my happiness and comfort in front of her own, like a true mother would and contacted an adoption agency.
See, this is where you're confused, a true mother would've fought like a tiger to never have to leave you.

Because of my Birth Mother's sacrifice for me I was able to grow up in a family that had a mother and father.
Because of my friends' mom's abandonment, my friend had to grow up with aparents that divorced six months after the adoption went through, and then had to suffer sexual and mental abuse at the hands of the adad she was doomed to live with, as well as all the 'lodgers' that he invited to play with her too.

but you got a family who did and saying that you would have rather been aborted than been born is a selfish thing to say and it is a slap in the face to your adoptive family who raised you.
#1: I had a family (two, actually) that would have loved to have been able to love me, but the one side lost me 'cause their daughter/sibling/mom decided to abandon me, and the other side didn't even get to find out I existed until after I turned up on my dad's doorstep 'cause I was palmed off while he was away in the army.

#2: Well, since my amom (y'know, that magickul individual that helped raise me) understands entirely what I mean when I say it, I'd say that actually no, it's not a slap in the face. Then again, she also still believes that my best option at the time would've been for me to abort my (now 19 yr old) daughter ... but I wouldn't expect you to be able to understand any of it (maybe one day, when you've grown up a bit and seen just what life can do to people), especially if I told you that she is - and always has been - a doting granny whilst still managing to hold that opinion.

See, the difference between us (me and my amom) and you is that we deal with the practicalities and realities, whereas you pontificate in the rainbow farting unicorn fog.

The quotes you give are all anti-adoption quotes and those people never focus on the good that can come from adoption.
LOL. The quotes I give are from one book, and that one book was written by an ADOPTIVE PARENT! Nice try though.

I plan on adopting whether it be an infant or an older child and I plan on being a foster parent to help those children who weren't as lucky as me.
So? What d'yer want? A pat on the back for being a good little saviour? Not gonna happen.

So tell me, how can so many people be against adoption?
We've told you, time and again, but I'll repeat it here and now for the hard of reading: So many people can be against adoption because we've lived through the traumas of it.

I can understand how people would think abortion is a bad thing, but you rarely hear the good stories
I don't think abortion's a bad thing, and there are good stories out there, but I do think adoption's a bloody horrendously sad thing to have to happen to anyone.

Oh, and just so's you know, the world is crammed with "happy adoptee" stories, which is why the myths've been able to drag on for so long and are so difficult to get past, but the truth WILL out.

I'm not for adoption for anyone, at least not until it involves the supply of an adoption certificate that names all four (or more) parents; and that the adoptee is guaranteed access to that certificate for the entirety of their lives.

If we're gonna trade kids like we trade everything else in the world, at least make sure they’ve got a truthful paper-trail that THEY can follow whenever THEY wanna follow it.

If I hadn't seen so damn clearly what family is *meant to be*, then adoption wouldn't hurt so damn much!
[personal profile] 7rin
EITHER PARENT OR ABORT!

DO NOT ABANDON YOUR CHILD TO ADOPTION!
_________________________

Things I Wish I Knew When I Was Considering Adoption
@ http://www.exiledmothers.com/adoption_facts/wish.html
What you should KNOW if you're considering adoption for your baby
@ http://www.cubirthparents.org/edd/index.php?id=1
Considering adoption? Don't feel you have any other options?
@ http://www.keepyourbaby.com/
Myths told the unmarried mother
@ http://gift-not-choice.tripod.com/myths-about-asfa.html
Adoption Truth
@ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QOZGwqHVnKs
Unplanned Pregnancy without Crisis
@ http://www.motherhelp.info/index.htm
_________________________

_____Open adoption_____

Open adoption is almost never legally enforceable, and many parents have lost access to their children due to broken "open" adoption promises.
@ www.mercianeclectics.dsl.pipex.com/adoption/OpenAdoptionWall.htm
@ www.bringperihome.com/
@ uk.answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20100709095305AAjeM4z
@ uk.answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20100830162150AAi478W
_________________________

Quotes taken from Nancy Verrier's book, Coming Home to Self
@ http://www.nancyverrier.com/self_book.php

For the adoptee every day is a challenge of trying to figure out how to be, although he probably doesn't understand the difficulty this presents for him. It has been true his whole life and, therefore, feels normal. However, it takes a great deal of energy and concentration. And it never feels quite right. He never quite fits. Therefore he feels as if /he/ is never quite right.
(pg 50)

Abandonment and neglect are reported to be the two most devastating experiences that children endure - even more devastating then sexual or physical abuse. That's why some neglected children do naughty things to get attention. Even though the attention is hurtful - being yelled at, hit, or otherwise harmed - it is better than neglect. /Anything/ is better than abandonment. Abandonment is a child's greatest fear. For adoptees, it is also reality, embedded in their implicit and unintegrated memory.
(pg 102)

It is sometimes difficult to spot grief in children. After all, it isn't as if the child sits in a puddle of tears his entire childhood. As one adoptee said, "Of course I played, laughed, sang. Do people think that if you're not sitting in a corner with your head on your knees, you are not sad? I had happy times, but the sadness was always there, even when I was having fun."
(pg 117)
_________________________

If you know you don't want it now, then do the decent thing and get a bloody abortion!

Breaking the Silence: On Living Pro-Lifers' Choice for Women
@ http://shakespearessister.blogspot.com/2009/03/breaking-silence-on-living-pro-lifers.html
_________________________

_____Links supporting families to stay together_____

Single Mom @ www.singlemom.com/
Mentor Moms/MOPS/Teen MOPS (support!) @ www.mops.org/
Angel Food (food assistance) @ www.angelfoodministries.com/
Feeding America (food assistance) @ www.feedingamerica.org/
Co-Abode (housing assistance) @ www.coabode.com/
Safe Families (for emergency/crisis care) @ www.safe-families.org/
Teens @ www.teenbreaks.com/pregnancy/pregnancyhome.cfm
Adoption Crossroads® and Adoption Healing @ www.adoptioncrossroads.org
Adopted Child Syndrome @ www.amfor.net/acs
Origins-USA @ www.origins-usa.org
United Family Services @ www.unitedfamilyservices.org/
Family Assistance Foundation @ www.familyassistancefoundation.com/
Safelink Wireless @ www.safelinkwireless.com/
_________________________

Planned Parenthood has a low-income program - call 1-800-230-PLAN (1-800-230-7526) to find your nearest clinic.

Abortion funding @ www.nnaf.org/help.html

Find out if your state Medicaid programme covers abortion @ http://www.ourbodiesourselves.org/book/companion.asp?id=20&compID=64

It is entirely possible to have an abortion and not feel guilt because you knew it was the right thing to do @ http://www.imnotsorry.net/

Abortion: There is a Consensus @ www.youtube.com/watch?v=hsSQiazUvgo
[personal profile] 7rin
Do you have to pay to adopt a child?

Yes, more massively than handing over any amount of money can make up for.

My aparents have had to watch as their kid goes through all of the agony and trauma that comes with being adopted. They have had absolutely no help in dealing with any of this - as all good parents do, they winged it. It's testament to their brilliance that I'm even remotely sane (hush you lot at the back! :p) and a functioning member of society.

Adoption screws kids up. It's not a fact that the adoption mongers like seeing said in public, but it's true. Not every kid, obviously - some on here are happy to've been adopted, but a surprisingly high percentage of us grow up deeply screwed up.

I was abandoned to adoption at seven months old. I honestly and truly wish that I'd been aborted instead of abandoned to adoption, so please be prepared for the fact that any kid you adopt could grow up (I'm 37, so definitely and legally a "grown up" in pretty much everywhere) to be as screwed up as me.

I didn't have a bad adoption - my afamily are the best I could ever have chosen... but if I'd been able to choose, and I'd known then what I know now, I'd've chosen to be aborted before birth instead, 'cause at least that way the lifetime of agony I've gone through would've been over in minutes, instead of the decades that I've been suffering for now.

Please bear in mind that the US Passport agency requires that a birth certificate is filed within one year of birth. You may be causing unnecessary headaches for the person, and they may be denied a passport (as many adopted people frequently are!) - the rules differ state to state.

Please read back through a few months worth of resolved questions in here http://answers.yahoo.com/dir/index?sid=2115500138 and then go read through all of the books and links listed at http://7rin-on-adoption.dreamwidth.org/tag/recommended+reading

Comprehend that lot, and you'll be about ready to adopt. :)
[personal profile] 7rin
DO NOT ABANDON YOUR CHILD TO ADOPTION!

Things I Wish I Knew When I Was Considering Adoption
@ www.exiledmothers.com/ adoption_facts/wish.html (close gap in URL)

What you should KNOW if you're considering adoption for your baby
@ http://www.cubirthparents.org/edd/index.php?id=1

Considering adoption? Don't feel you have any other options?
@ http://www.keepyourbaby.com/

Myths told the unmarried mother
@ http://gift-not-choice.tripod.com/myths-about-asfa.html

Adoption Truth
@ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QOZGwqHVnKs

Unplanned Pregnancy without Crisis
@ http://www.motherhelp.info/index.htm

Open adoption is almost never legally enforceable, and many parents have lost access to their children due to broken "open" adoption promises.
@ www.mercianeclectics.dsl.pipex.com/adoption/OpenAdoptionWall.htm
@ www.bringperihome.com/
@ http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20100709095305AAjeM4z
@ http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20100830162150AAi478W


Quotes taken from Nancy Verrier's book, Coming Home to Self
@ http://www.nancyverrier.com/self_book.php

For the adoptee every day is a challenge of trying to figure out how to be, although he probably doesn't understand the difficulty this presents for him. It has been true his whole life and, therefore, feels normal. However, it takes a great deal of energy and concentration. And it never feels quite right. He never quite fits. Therefore he feels as if /he/ is never quite right.
(pg 50)

Abandonment and neglect are reported to be the two most devastating experiences that children endure - even more devastating then sexual or physical abuse. That's why some neglected children do naughty things to get attention. Even though the attention is hurtful - being yelled at, hit, or otherwise harmed - it is better than neglect. /Anything/ is better than abandonment. Abandonment is a child's greatest fear. For adoptees, it is also reality, embedded in their implicit and unintegrated memory.
(pg 102)

It is sometimes difficult to spot grief in children. After all, it isn't as if the child sits in a puddle of tears his entire childhood. As one adoptee said, "Of course I played, laughed, sang. Do people think that if you're not sitting in a corner with your head on your knees, you are not sad? I had happy times, but the sadness was always there, even when I was having fun."
(pg 117)


Adoption screws kids up. It's not a fact that the adoption mongers like seeing said in public, but it's true. Not every kid, obviously - some on here are happy to've been adopted, but a surprisingly high percentage of us grow up deeply screwed up.

I was abandoned to adoption at seven months old. I honestly and truly wish that I'd been aborted instead of abandoned to adoption, so please be prepared for the fact that any kid you adopt could grow up to be as screwed up as me (I'm almost 40, so legally "grown up" in pretty much everywhere).

I didn't have a bad adoption - my afamily are the best I could ever have chosen... but if I'd been able to choose, and I'd known then what I know now, I'd've chosen to be aborted before birth instead, 'cause at least that way the lifetime of agony I've gone through would've been over in minutes, instead of the decades that I've been suffering for now.


_____Links supporting families to stay together_____

Single Mom @ www.singlemom.com/
Mentor Moms/MOPS/Teen MOPS (support!) @ www.mops.org/
Angel Food (food assistance) @ www.angelfoodministries.com/
Feeding America (food assistance) @ www.feedingamerica.org/
Co-Abode (housing assistance) @ www.coabode.com/
Safe Families (for emergency/crisis care) @ www.safe-families.org/
Teens @ www.teenbreaks.com/pregnancy/pregnancyhome.cfm
Adoption Crossroads® and Adoption Healing @ www.adoptioncrossroads.org
Adopted Child Syndrome @ www.amfor.net/acs
Origins-USA @ www.origins-usa.org
United Family Services @ www.unitedfamilyservices.org/
Family Assistance Foundation @ www.familyassistancefoundation.com/
Safelink Wireless @ www.safelinkwireless.com/

Also, I suggest you take notice of the fact that adoption does NOT "save" kids:
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20080229225608AA9mqS9
http://lubbockonline.com/crime-and-courts/2010-12-22/lubbock-man-arrested-sexually-assaulting-adoptive-daughters


Finally, I strongly suggest you take a nose at what APs say when they think they're in a place of safety about what they REALLY think of their adopted kids and their families:
http://adoptiveparentsspeak.wordpress.com/

Good luck!
[personal profile] 7rin
Why a girl? Is it because you want her to do girly stuff? Sorry love, but while you might be able to get away with it with much of the female population, we don't all turn out like that - I be a case in point. I describe as medically female, because my body is, and there's no point in messing about with what ain't actually broke. I've never been a little girl though.

I'm also one of them "bitter adoptees" that people like to rant about. I actually love my afam very much, and it's because they are such a fantastic family that knowing that I didn't know *any* of that about myself hurt so much. So I give you warning; as an AP, you're never gonna be able to win. Even if you're good, you can still lose.

I was abandoned to adoption at 7mths old, and would like to give you a word of caution - not to put you off being willing to help a child who honestly and truly needs help, but to make you aware that adoption isn't always the rainbow farting unicorns as depicted in the media.

Please be prepared for the fact that any kid you adopt could grow up to be as screwed up as me. I didn't have a bad adoption - my afamily are the best I could ever have chosen... but if I'd been able to choose, I'd've chosen to be aborted before birth instead, 'cause at least that way the lifetime of agony I've gone through would've been over in minutes, instead of the decades I've been suffering for now.

I've been in reunion with my bfam for a while now, and even that's proving to be completely agonising.

Taken from Nancy Verrier's book, Coming Home to Self: http://www.nancyverrier.com/self_book.php


For the adoptee every day is a challenge of trying to figure out how to be, although he probably doesn't understand the difficulty this presents for him. It has been true his whole life and, therefore, feels normal. However, it takes a great deal of energy and concentration. And it never feels quite right. He never quite fits. Therefore he feels as if /he/ is never quite right.
(pg 50)


Abandonment and neglect are reported to be the two most devastating experiences that children endure - even more devastating then sexual or physical abuse. That's why some neglected children do naughty things to get attention. Even though the attention is hurtful - being yelled at, hit, or otherwise harmed - it is better than neglect. /Anything/ is better than abandonment. Abandonment is a child's greatest fear. For adoptees, it is also reality, embedded in their implicit and unintegrated memory.
(pg 102)


It is sometimes difficult to spot grief in children. After all, it isn't as if the child sits in a puddle of tears his entire childhood. As one adoptee said, "Of course I played, laughed, sang. Do people think that if you're not sitting in a corner with your head on your knees, you are not sad? I had happy times, but the sadness was always there, even when I was having fun."
(pg 117)


Please read back through a few months worth of resolved questions in here http://answers.yahoo.com/dir/index?sid=2115500138 and then go read through all of the books and links listed at http://7rin-on-adoption.dreamwidth.org/tag/recommended+reading

Comprehend that lot, and you'll be about ready to adopt. :)
[personal profile] 7rin
Hang on a minute... there's all these women being told that they should abandon their kids to adoption 'cause they're poor, so why in the world should someone asking for donations be allowed to adopt? Surely that's contrary to why people are being encouraged to abandon their kids in the first place?

I think, given the right case worker, and given the right incentives (e.g. money), pretty much anyone could get away with being able to adopt someone from somewhere, somehow. That doesn't mean you should though.
[personal profile] 7rin
You don't, not while mothers are *STILL* being brainwashed into abandoning their kids because those kids deserve two parents (those being preferentially middle-class upwards, Good Christian Soldiers, he's got a Good(tm) steady job, she's a stay-at-home mom who bakes cookies with the kids).

~ OR ~

Hang on a minute... there's all these women being told that they should abandon their kids to adoption because all kids deserve two parents, so why in the world should a single person, male or female, be allowed to adopt? Surely that's contrary to why people are being encouraged to abandon their kids in the first place?

Sadly though, yes, if you've got enough money, you can buy almost anything.

It's entirely possible to help someone parent without snatching their child away from them: Each One Help One @ http://www.values.com/your-inspirational-stories/1306-EACH-ONE-HELP-ONE

This is how the adoption industry finds out the best ways to convince people to abandon their kids:
The National Council for Adoption: Mothers, Money, Marketing, and Madness
* Part 1 @ http://www.divinecaroline.com/22095/39669-national-council-adoption-mothers-money
* Part 2 @ http://www.divinecaroline.com/22095/39676-national-council-adoption--mothers--money-

My aparents have had to watch as their kid goes through all of the agony and trauma that comes with being adopted. They have had absolutely no help in dealing with any of this - as all good parents do, they winged it. It's testament to their brilliance that I'm even remotely sane (hush you lot at the back! :p) and a functioning member of society.

Adoption screws kids up. It's not a fact that the adoption mongers like seeing said in public, but it's true. Not every kid, obviously - some on here are happy to've been adopted, but a surprisingly high percentage of us grow up deeply screwed up.

I was abandoned to adoption at seven months old. I honestly and truly wish that I'd been aborted instead of abandoned to adoption, so please be prepared for the fact that any kid you adopt could grow up to be as screwed up as me (I'm almost 40, so legally "grown up" in pretty much everywhere).

I didn't have a bad adoption - my afamily are the best I could ever have chosen... but if I'd been able to choose, and I'd known then what I know now, I'd've chosen to be aborted before birth instead, 'cause at least that way the lifetime of agony I've gone through would've been over in minutes, instead of the decades that I've been suffering for now.

Please bear in mind that the US Passport agency requires that a birth certificate is filed within one year of birth. You may be causing unnecessary headaches for the person, and they may be denied a passport (as many adopted people frequently are!) - the rules differ state to state.

Actually, if you adopt, the kid still won't be your own. You need to be able to deal with the fact that being a parent to an adoptee is NOT the same as being a parent to your own child. It will not elicit the same feelings in you, and your gut reactions will be off because there is no genetic similarity to recognise. Yes, you'll learn it all in time, and if you're a good a'rent, you won't even take out your frustration at not having your own child on the child you adopt instead.

I suggest you read the links and blurb mentioned in the Best Answer (as chosen by voters) @ http://uk.answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20101114222810AAiOtS3 since that answers your question most thoroughly, and then read back through a few months worth of resolved questions in here http://answers.yahoo.com/dir/index?sid=2115500138

Comprehend that lot, and you'll be about ready to adopt. :)
[personal profile] 7rin
I suggest you start at http://uk.answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20100823193059AAxG6Px

I usually suggest people start at http://brainchildmag.com/essays/summer2010_friedman.asp

Many women adopt who can not call themselves mothers by the way they behaved to their children. Please, no-one take offence at that, I just mean to me personally because there're so many people who've adopted and then abused - and some have even killed - their adopted kids: http://nobodyisforgotten.blogspot.com/

Moms are there because you can go running to them with a problem - dads and brothers and sisters and nans and granddads and aunts and uncles and cousins are there so you can go out and play and laugh and have fun.

I was gonna say that my opinion on that was nothing to do with being adopted, but seriously, it's probably got a lot to do with it because I grew up in a loving, caring, nurturing adoptive family from when I was seven months old, instead of growing up with my abusive biological mom.

Oh, and you don't get to bond when you adopt - you might get to communicate and share, but bonds rarely happen. Go look up "genetic mirroring".

You're never gonna be able to "win" 'cause adoption screws kids up one way or another, but you need to be able to learn to understand what your kid's going through.

My aparents have had to watch as their kid goes through all of the agony and trauma that comes with being adopted. They have had absolutely no help in dealing with any of this - as all good parents do, they winged it. It's testament to their brilliance that I'm even remotely sane (hush you lot at the back! :p) and a functioning member of society.

Adoption screws kids up. It's not a fact that the adoption mongers like seeing said in public, but it's true. Not every kid, obviously - some on here are happy to've been adopted, but a surprisingly high percentage of us grow up deeply screwed up.

Taken from Nancy Verrier's book, Coming Home to Self: http://www.nancyverrier.com/self_book.php

For the adoptee every day is a challenge of trying to figure out how to be, although he probably doesn't understand the difficulty this presents for him. It has been true his whole life and, therefore, feels normal. However, it takes a great deal of energy and concentration. And it never feels quite right. He never quite fits. Therefore he feels as if /he/ is never quite right.
(pg 50)

Abandonment and neglect are reported to be the two most devastating experiences that children endure - even more devastating then sexual or physical abuse. That's why some neglected children do naughty things to get attention. Even though the attention is hurtful - being yelled at, hit, or otherwise harmed - it is better than neglect. /Anything/ is better than abandonment. Abandonment is a child's greatest fear. For adoptees, it is also reality, embedded in their implicit and unintegrated memory.
(pg 102)

It is sometimes difficult to spot grief in children. After all, it isn't as if the child sits in a puddle of tears his entire childhood. As one adoptee said, "Of course I played, laughed, sang. Do people think that if you're not sitting in a corner with your head on your knees, you are not sad? I had happy times, but the sadness was always there, even when I was having fun."
(pg 117)

Please read back through a few months worth of resolved questions in here http://answers.yahoo.com/dir/index?sid=2115500138 - comprehend that lot, and you'll be about ready to adopt. :)
[personal profile] 7rin
Am I supposed to be unhappy with my parents for adopting me?
I was adopted when I was a baby because my birthmother was in a crisis situation. I don't know what it was, because it was a closed adoption, but I think she was either raped or a teenager in a bad situation. Whatever the reason, she put me up for adoption because she knew she would not be able to provide for me, take care of me, or give me a good home. So I was adopted.

My adoptive parents are the best parents in the world. I never wanted for anything. They have given me love, support, and a good home where I had an amazing life. They waited for ten years, trying to get pregnant but for medical reasons were unable to, before I was born. I am very close with my family and it doesn't matter that I was adopted because we might as well be biological. It just doesn't matter that my mom didn't actually give birth to me.

I don't have any feelings of abandonment, as some may call them. I know that my birthmother was making a very hard decision, and am grateful for it. Even if she didn't want me, why would I want to live with someone who didn't want me? I was able to have a life that I would never have had otherwise. I don't feel that I lost my family; I feel as if I gained one. My adoptive family aren't strangers; they're my family.

I have come across several people who are against adoption and think it's something evil. I just don't understand how this can be. Am I supposed to resent my birthmother for not keeping me when doing so would've given me a life of hell? Am I supposed to be angry that I was taken into a loving family that gave me everything I ever needed or wanted? No rude comments please.
8 hours ago

Additional Details
I am happy with my parents. What I'm asking is why do other people have those unhappy feelings?
8 hours ago

I know how blessed I am. I'm very grateful for my adoptive parents. I guess my question is why are other people angry or resentful?
8 hours ago
My reply was
You're fantasising. That's one of the 'stages' in the "learning to live with being adopted" process.

I didn't know what the crisis situation was that my bmom was in either, and I too conjured up images of how she might've been raped, or in a bad situation, and that she only put me up for adoption because she wanted the best for me.

Real Life has a habit of not matching up too well with fantasy though, and the reality is that she couldn't be arsed with looking after me.

Unless you know what feelings of abandonment feel like, you're not gonna know whether you've got them or not - you won't know it until you trip over it.

You don't know that your birthmother keeping you would've given you a life of hell, because you've already stated that you don't know what the circumstances are.

Those who're angry, or resentful, are almost never (IME) angry or resentful at the afamily for taking them awway from their bfamily. What they're angry at is the shroud of secrecy that hides their 'other life' away from them, meaning that they can't learn anything about their own version of history. They'll probably never know what 'side' they were truly on during $war, nor ever really know what kinds of things they're ancestors believed in, because they'll almost certainly not have a clue who - or where - those ancestors are.

I love my afamily dearly, and the one almost wish I have is that I were born into the family instead of being adopted into it - but if I had been, I wouldn't be anything like the person that I am now, because I really do have so very many traits picked up from my biological mom.

Soz dear, hate to tell you, but your post reads like you're in deep deep denial to me. Then again, I'm only going from what I see here, and am in no way a trained professional.
[personal profile] 7rin
This was my answer to the question asked on Y! Answers.
Despite the fact that my amom appears to've been utterly apathetic towards my existence, I still would have loved to've at least been able to do things like know where she was if there was a question I needed to ask.

Selfish, perhaps. But I can't get past the thought that you're parents are *meant to be* "there for you". They're the whole reason you exist :!

I think if I knew family were being actively hidden from me, I'd be angry, because I want to be able to trust my family to be actively honest with me. No matter how bad it may appear from someone else's perspective, once I'm actually old enough to understand the potential dangers, then it should be my decision as to whether I decide to integrate them into my life.

We may not like all the people we know, and we can love some surprisingly 'nasty bastards' with impunity.

At least make sure you both know where the other lives, even if there is agreement for there never to be any =actual= contact until the adoptee is ready.
[personal profile] 7rin
The following quotes are taken from this Y! Answers page.

Read more... )

The Adoption History Project
Before 1945, “fostering” referred to numerous arrangements in which children were cared for in homes other than their own. The point of the term was to contrast institutional care with family placements. The case for foster care was articulated by nineteenth-century child-savers, including Charles Loring Brace, publicized by the orphan trains, and advanced by states that experimented with placing-out children rather than consigning them to orphanages.
Statistics on the Effects of Adoption

ADOPTEES: Your analogies, please? How does it feel to grow up adopted?
  • Growing up blindfolded
  • Round peg in a square hole
  • Like being a lamp placed under a basket
  • Running original Amiga 500 [or 600, 1000, 1200, 2000, 3000, 4000] software on a Windows Amiga Emulator [WinUAE]
  • Like being a puzzle with all the edges missing, and most of the center too
  • Like being a book without the first chapters
  • Like being stranded on an island in a sea of people
  • Not having chapter 1 - and lacking the language skills to figure it out
  • Like being onstage - but having memorized the lines for a different play and trying to improvise to be in the play I WAS in
  • Given the parts for several different appliances, told it was one, and expected to somehow piece it together and make it work
  • Being a red brick in a white wall
  • Like being in a room with the light shut off, and I'm stumbling around for the light to turn it on

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