[personal profile] 7rin

by Rebekah Kuschmider on September 12, 2013

For many years, anti-choice activists have suggested that adoption is the kinder option than abortion. They argue that babies deserve life and there are families who will adopt unwanted infants. Recently, conservative pundit S.E. Cupp intimated it that it was a moral obligation of pregnant women otherwise considering abortion to instead carry babies to term so that families seeking children could have the opportunity to be parents. It seems like a winning combination: unwanted baby, family who wants a baby, woman absolved of responsibility for the baby.

Adoption should be an option. Only, I’m not talking about the babies-to-be. I’m talking about the mothers-to-be.

I do not wish to minimize the strength of character it takes for a woman and an adoptive couple to reach terms that allow a baby to be given the best home possible. That’s an admirable course of action. For a woman who is not in circumstances to raise a child, finding an adoptive family for an unborn baby can be a blessing of invaluable magnitude. But why should the mother give up a baby whom, studies suggest, she would undoubtedly love? Why should the mother continue to live in circumstances that preclude raising a child when her circumstances could be changed by the act of adopting…her?

Anti-choice families who wish to see women carry, birth and raise babies should bring those women into their homes. They should treat them as they would treat their own pregnant daughter. Provide them with food, clothing and shelter. Enroll them on their insurance plan and get them the best prenatal care. Find a school for the women to attend if they need education, assist them in finding work if they need work. Give them a car. Give them emotional support. Take them to church and social events. Make them a part of the life that they lead – a forever life, not just the duration of the pregnancy.

After the baby is born, give mother and baby the same shower of love, support and material goods that they would a grandchild. They should offer assistance with childcare so the mother can work or attend school, maybe subsidize an apartment if they want to have their own place. They should read stories to and play tag with the child as he or she grows, and welcome mother and child beneath the Christmas tree and at the Thanksgiving table every year.

Make having a baby possible. Make raising a baby possible.

Too often I read about Crisis Pregnancy Centers that counsel against abortion and offer pregnant women rudimentary help. Cast-off baby goods. Diapers. A sheaf of papers they can use to apply for housing or medical aid. But how much of a difference does that ultimately make? Does it break the cycle of poverty? Elevate women to true self-sufficiency? Does it prevent the next unintended pregnancy? Or is it a band-aid on a larger issue, measures meant to make sure babies are born? But what happens after? What happens to mothers who raise their babies within our limited safety net? What happens to mothers who relinquish their babies to adoption?

Yes, adoption is an option and no one is saying it shouldn’t be. But as a student of the nature of unintended pregnancy, my conclusions after reading about who the women who seek abortion is that it isn’t their babies who need to be whisked off to a better life. It’s them.
[personal profile] 7rin

On September 11th, 2013 at 8:07 PM
Krista said
I was unofficially adopted at 18 by one if my teachers my senior year and her husband. They didn't have any children of their own yet (biological or otherwise) so I was it. The most important thing they did for me was make me feel wanted. I ate dinner with them and was welcomed to their family parties, get togethers, and outings. They spoke of me as their own and bought me things that parents buy kids – clothes and little surprises here and there. They took the time to know my likes and dislikes and they engaged me in conversation. When they had a baby three years later, they involved me in her life (and now, 9 1/2 years later, I am someone's beloved Sissy!). They gave me boundaries and rules while I lived with them. They tried to understand my dreams and encourage me in pursuing them. They encouraged me to maintain contact with my grandma, to whom I was very close. And they loved me, regardless of what I did or said in my hurt and pain that came with needing new parents at 18.

Reply to this comment over @ http://offbeatfamilies.com/2013/09/adopting-a-teenager#comment-133879
[personal profile] 7rin
Ganked from ASR

Adie, K (2005) Nobody's Child.
Hodder & Stoughton Ltd. ISBN 0340838000
Inspired by her own circumstances as an adopted person, reporter Kate Adie writes about what adoption means to her.

Arnott, P (2001) A Good Likeness: A Personal Story of Adoption.
Abacus. ISBN 0349113289
Well-written and interesting story of the author’s decision to trace his birth parents.

Bailey, J and Giddens, L N (2001) The Adoption Reunion Survival Guide: Preparing Yourself for the Search Reunion and Beyond.
New Harbinger Publications. ISBN 1572242280
Real-life experiences help readers prepare for the emotional turbulence of the reunion experience, examine their fantasies and emotions about it, and find a personal support system to help them through.

Brodzinskly, D, Schechter, M and Henig, R (1992) Being Adopted: The Lifelong Search for Self.
Anchor Books. ISBN 0385414269
Looks at identity issues for adopted people from childhood to adulthood.

Burton, N J (2008) Swimming up the Sun: A Memoir of Adoption.
Pan. ISBN 978-0979899201
Tells the story of the author's search for her English birth parents, a Jewish father and a mother believed to be an artist. The adventure led to parents, grandparents, and siblings, a kaleidoscope of relationships with one dark secret at its center. Further details and extracts can be found on the author's website.

Campbell, N (2004) Blue-eyed Son: The Story of an Adoption.
Pan. ISBN 0330433067
Presenter and broadcaster Nicky Campbell writes movingly on his own personal experiences as an adopted person tracing his birth family.
Clapton, G (2003) Relatively Unkown: A Year in the Life of the Adoption Contact Register for Scotland.
Scotland Family Care. ISBN 0950811769
This is a collection of over sixty first-hand accounts from those who have used the Register. Useful for everyone affected by adoption and by all those who work with them.

Clark, G (2008) The Role of Mother and Baby Homes in the Adoption of Children Born Outside Marriage in Twentieth-Centry England and Wales
Family & Community History 11(1), May 2008, pp.45-59
A fascinating article considering the role of mother and baby homes in providing unmarried pregnant girls with accommodation and support while making decisions about their future, and proposing that the unforgiving attitude of families and rejection of the girls by the community influenced decisions to place children for adoption.

Douglas, A and Philpot, T (2002) Adoption: Changing Families, Changing Times.
Routledge. ISBN 0415256852
Book of contributions from all those with an interest in adoption: adopted people; birth parents and adoptive parents; practitioners and managers in the statutory and voluntary sectors; academics and policy makers.

Elliot, S (2005) Love Child: A Memoir of Adoption, Reunion, Loss and Love.
Vermilion. ISBN 0091906830
This book traces the author’s personal story being adopted in the 1950s and her decision to find her birth mother, together with the history of adoption in Britain over the past 100 years.

Feast, J & Philpot, T (2003) Searching Questions: Identity Origins and Adoption.
BAAF. ISBN 1903699479
Book and accompanying video of 10 people speaking about adoption and search and reunion. Further details and ordering options can be found on the BAAF website.

Feast, J, Marwood, M, Seabrook, S & Webb, E (2002) Preparing for Reunion: Experiences from the Adoption Circle (3rd edition).
The Children’s Society. ISBN 1899783091
Advice on the reunion process, including personal stories.

Harris, P (2006) In Search of Belonging: Reflections of Transracially Adopted People.
BAAF. ISBN 1903699770
A substantial anthology giving voice to the experience of transracial adoption in the UK through poetry, art, autobiography, memoir and oral testimony from over 50 adoptees. Further details and ordering options can be found on the BAAF website.

Holloway, S (Editor) (2005) Family Wanted: Adoption Stories
Granta Books. ISBN 1862077533
A powerful collection of pieces by writers on adoption, from all three sides of the issue: writers who are adopted, those who have given up children for adoption and those who have adopted.

Howe, D & Feast, J (2003) Adoption Search and Reunion: The Long-term Experience of Adopted Adults.
BAAF. ISBN 189978330X
Accessible book about a large research study on searchers and non-searchers together with short-term and long-term outcomes. Further details and ordering options can be found on the BAAF website

Iredale, S (1997) Reunions.
The Stationery Office. ISBN 0117021504
Experiences of 15 people who have had a reunion.

Lifton, B & Lifton, J (2000) Journey of the Adopted Self: A Quest for Wholeness.
Basic Books. ISBN 0465036759
Another classic on adopted people and identity.

Perl, L & Markham, S (1999) ‘Why Wasn’t I Told?’ Making Sense of the Late Discovery of Adoption.
Post–Adoption Resource Centre, New South Wales. ISBN 0957714505
A report co-written by an adopted person and adoption professional

Phillips, Z H (2008) Mother Me: An Adopted Woman's Journey to Motherhood.
BAAF. ISBN 9781905664368
An honest personal memoir exploring the impact of adoption on childhood, adolescence, relationships and self-esteem. Further details, excerpts and a link to the author's website can be found on the BAAF website.

Saffian, S (1999) Ithaka: A Daughter's Memories of Being Found.
Delta Books. ISBN 03853345016
Personal account of reunion.

Thomas, C and Beckford, V with Lowe, N and Murch, M (1999) Adopted Children Speaking.
BAAF. ISBN 1873868782
This book is full of poignant testimonies offering revealing insights into what children and young people think about adoption. Themes covered include the beginnings of the process; matching and introductions; the court; life story work; contact; and adoptive home and school. Further details and ordering options can be found on the BAAF website.

Trinder, L, Feast J and Howe, D (2004) The Adoption Reunion Handbook.
John Wiley and Sons Ltd. ISBN 0470094222
This comprehensive and practical 'how to' guide is essential for everyone involved in adoption, particularly those considering searching for information on their birth relatives. It is based on a large-scale research study and draws on real-life experiences of reunions.

Triseliotis, J, Feast, J and Kyle, F (2005) The Adoption Triangle Revisited: A Study of Adoption, Search and Reunion Experience.
BAAF. ISBN 1903699711
For all those with an interest in adoption and the search and reunion experience. Further details and ordering options can be found on the BAAF website.

Van Gulden, H and Bartels-Rabb, L M (1995) Real Parents, Real Children: Parenting the Adopted Child.
Crossroads Publishing Co. (USA). ISBN 0824515145
‘Are they real brothers and sisters?’, ‘Do you know who your real mum is?’ Contrary to the pejorative way many people use the term ‘real’, adoptive parents and their adopted children are each other’s real family. Making that family work and nurturing all of its members to be healthy individuals in rewarding relationships with one another is what this book is all about.

Verrier, N (2010) Coming Home to Self: Healing the primal wound.
BAAF. ISBN 9781905664818
From understanding basic trauma and the neurological consequences of trauma, to step-by-step ways to heal that trauma, this book is written with adopted adults in mind, but is relevant to all those involved in adoption. Further details and ordering options can be found on the BAAF website.

Verrier, N (2009) The Primal Wound: Understanding the Adopted Child.
BAAF. ISBN 9781905664764
Since its original publication in 1993, The Primal Wound has become a classic in adoption literature. Further details and ordering options can be found on the BAAF website.

Last modified 08 September 2011
[personal profile] 7rin
by Heather Lowe

One of the things I hear most frequently from parents who have recently lost children to adoption is, "If ONLY I had known." People in a crisis pregnancy are especially prone to denial, and it's very hard to accurately imagine what adoption will be like. I am posting these items in an effort to share the things I wish I had known when I was considering adoption (and was stuck in major denial myself.)
Adoption might well be the best thing for you and your child, but in order to be a truly good thing, it needs to be a well-considered decision, and you need to hear the negative aspects as well as the positive.

This list will likely change and grow as input from other first parents is received. Please visit the guestbook on my website if you are a first parent wanting to add advice to this site.

Read more... )

Note: The terms "unwed" mother, "birthmom", "biological" parent make a parent appear to be less than the mother or father they are. These terms dehumanize and limit the parent's role to that of an incubator. Using the honest terms "mother", "single mother" or "natural mother" help the public to understand why real family members must not be separated to obtain babies for adoption.
[personal profile] 7rin
Lifton, B.J. (1994) Journey of the Adopted Self: A Quest for Wholeness. New York: Basic Books. pp259-260
During a trip to Hawwaii, I met a therapist who had been invited to work with a group of adoptees who were in various stages of search and reunion. The adoption experience was new to him, but he was no stranger to grief and loss and pain. He was an empathic man, and he seemed puzzled. He said that the adoptees in his group, and the ones he has begun to see in his private practice, seemed traumatized. They do not shed their symptoms like his other patients. Their trauma seems deeper, as if it were very early - almost as if it were cellular.

Trauma is earlier for adoptees than for most other people, I told him. It begins at birth, with separation from the mother. And it's more persistent because adoptees have no pre-traumatic self. And then I explained what I meant by this.

We know that when adoptive parents have been traumatized by not being able to conceive a child, they already have adult selves that can absorb and work through the shock. So too, the birth mother may have been young when she was traumatized by her unwanted pregnancy, but she had a self to fall back on as she continued her life. But the adoptee, who experienced separation and loss early in life, usually at birth, has no previous self - no pre-traumatic self - from which to draw strength.
[personal profile] 7rin
"Adoption Loss is the only trauma in the world where the victims are expected by the whole of society to be grateful" - The Reverend Keith C. Griffith, MBE
[personal profile] 7rin

Happy Adoptees
By Julie A. Rist

I am not the happy and grateful adoptee that you want me to be. Don’t get me wrong. I was happy and grateful for almost 45 years – or so I believed. Had you asked me then how I felt about being adopted, you might have heard something like, “Great! I am so grateful to my (adoptive) parents for all they did and, no, I am not interested in finding my ‘real’ family. My adoptive family is my ‘real’ family, thankyouverymuch, and they are a wonderful family. I’ve had a wonderful life. Of course, I am grateful to my natural mother for giving me life. Oh, you’re adopting? How wonderful!”

I enthusiastically expressed that view all those years because I needed to convince myself that my life was normal and right and that I was okay. I did it because everyone else wanted me to feel that way, too. And I thought I would die if I ever looked deeper.

Happy children

You’ve seen adopted children who seem to be perfectly happy, too. They smile and have fun just like those whose families are intact. They act happy and, occasionally, they are.

Yes, adopted children smile and laugh. Did you stop smiling after you lost a loved one? Didn’t you still laugh when someone said something funny? Weren’t you still capable of having some fun?

Did you ever smile and act happy to hide your grief?

Of course you did. But even when you smiled, those close to you knew it didn’t mean you were happy. Those close to you accepted and expected your pain and sadness. They did not expect you to be happy about your loss. They gave you something most adoptees do not get: acknowledgement of, empathy for, and permission to express your grief.

What grief?

Read more... )
[personal profile] 7rin
Adoption Issues From a Strengths Perspective
By Deborah H. Siegel, PhD, LICSW, DCSW, ACSW
Social Work Today - July/August 2008 Issue - Vol. 8 No. 4 P. 34

Birth parents, adoptive parents, and adoptees face predictable crises given the life-changing nature of this event. Idealized or deficit approaches don't work, but a strengths perspective does.

Sam is a bright, energetic, enthusiastic 12-year-old boy. His mom and dad, Mary and Mack, love him dearly and are earnest, skilled parents who conscientiously create a nurturing home. Sam thrives; he has a best friend next door, gets Bs in school, attends weekly religious school and prayer services, walks his dog every day after school, and enjoys riding his bike and playing his electric guitar. He and his parents often go on hikes, attend sporting events, and take day trips as a family or with friends. It appears that Sam is doing well because he is adopted.

This description accurately summarizes Sam's life, and so does this: Sam was born with cocaine, marijuana, and alcohol in his tiny body. Sam's birth father, incarcerated shortly after Sam was conceived, has never seen him. The state child welfare agency removed Sam from his mother's custody shortly after birth, and in the first two years of life, Sam lived in four different foster homes before he was legally freed for adoption. Sam's behavior is often impulsive, hyperactive, and inattentive. His classmates tend to steer clear of him because he bumps into them, grabs their things, or blurts out rude comments (e.g., "You're stupid!"). Homework is a daily struggle, as Sam finds it hard to sit still and stay on task. He often forgets, loses, or partially completes his assignments. Lately, his behavior at home has been especially irritable; when his parents prompt him to do a task he doesn't like, he yells, "You're not the boss of me!" and stomps away. He's spending more time alone in his room. It appears that Sam is struggling because he is adopted.

Read more... )

- Deborah H. Siegel, PhD, LICSW, DCSW, ACSW, is a professor in the School of Social Work at Rhode Island College, a clinician specializing in adoption issues, an adoption researcher, and an adoptive parent.
[personal profile] 7rin
Brodzinsky, D.M. & Schechter, M.D. (eds) (1990) The Psychology of Adoption. New York; Oxford University Press.

I - Theoretical Perspectives on Adoption Adjustment
1A Stress and Coping Model of Adoption AdjustmentDavid M. Brodzinsky3
2Biological Perspectives of Adoptee AdjustmentRemi J. Cadoret25
3Adoption from the Inside Out: A Psychoanalytical PerspectivePaul M. Brinich42
4The Meaning of the SearchMarshall D. Schechter and Doris Bertocci62
II - Research on Adoption
5Outcomes in Adoption: Lessons from Longitudinal StudiesMichael Bohman and Sören Sigvardsson93
6Contrasting Adoption, Foster Care, and Residential RearingJohn Triseliotis and Malcolm Hill107
7Acknowledgement or Rejection of Differences?Kenneth Kaye121
8Adoption and Identity FormationJanet L. Hoopes144
9Adopted Adolescents in Residential Treatment: The Role of the FamilyHarold D. Grotevant and Ruth G. McRoy167
10Adjustment in Interracial Adoptees: An OverviewArnold R. Silverman and William Feigelman187
11Adoption Disruption: Rates and CorrelatesTrudy Festinger201
III - Clinical Issues in Adoption
12Family Treatment After Adoption: Common ThemesAnn Hartman and Joan Laird221
13Brief Solution-Focussed Therapy with Adoptive FamiliesJudith Schaffer and Christina Lindstrom240
14The Residential Treatment of Severely Disturbed Adolescent AdopteesWells Goodrich, Carol S. Fullerton, Brian T. Yates, and Linda Beth Berman253
IV - Social Policy and Casework Issues in Adoption
15History, Values, and Placement Policy Issues in AdoptionElizabeth S. Cole and Kathryn S. Donley273
16Surrendering an Infant for Adoption: The Birthmother ExperienceAnne B. Brodzinsky295
17Open AdoptionAnnette Baran and Reuben Pannor316
18Foster Parent Adoption: The Legal FrameworkAndre P. Derdeyn332
[personal profile] 7rin
Issues Facing Adult Adoptees
@ http://www.enotalone.com/article/10075.html

Often when people hear the word "adoption," they think of an infertile, childless couple delightedly gazing into the eyes of their recently adopted newborn baby. They are thrilled to finally be parents, and are totally involved in meeting the immediate needs of the child. But what about the years that follow? Do the effects of adoption stop the moment that a child comes home to the new parents?

Read more... )
[personal profile] 7rin
Trauma, Attachment, and Stress Disorders: Rethinking and Reworking Developmental Issues
@ http://www.healingresources.info/trauma_attachment_stress_disorders.htm

How does experience shape the brain and both cause and repair stress disorders? | How does early-life trauma impact development? | How does traumatic response differ from a normal stress reaction? | What are the common links between both high and low impact experiences that trigger traumatic responses? | What are signs and symptoms of developmental or relational trauma? | What overarching principles aid professionals with attachment and trauma issues? | What do professionals need to know when working with relational trauma? | Tips for therapists who have been trained in more traditional therapies

The rapid technological discoveries and advances in neuroscience that began in the 90’s have changed our perceptions about the origins of health, emotional and psychological stress, chronic physical illnesses and their healing. We now know that brain development is an experience-dependent social process that can override genetics. Knowledge of the brain's plasticity, immaturity at birth and capacity for life-long change, emphasizes the central role of early life experience in triggering stress disorders.

These stress disorders include PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome), depressive disorders, anxiety disorders, learning disabilities and chronic physical health problems. The new brain technology helps us understand the difference between normal stress responses that return to a state of regulation and traumatic stress responses that do not normalize. It also gives us reason to believe that neurological change from illness and disability to wellbeing is possible throughout life.

Read more... )
[personal profile] 7rin
Ahn-Redding, H. & Simon, R.J. (2007) Intercountry Adoptees Tell Their Stories @ http://www.rowmanlittlefield.com/Catalog/SingleBook.shtml?command=Search&db=^DB/CATALOG.db&eqSKUdata=0739118560

Bahr, M. & Bahr, K.S. (2009) Toward More Family-Centered Family Sciences: Love, Sacrifice, and Transcendence London: Lexington Books. @ http://www.rowmanlittlefield.com/Catalog/SingleBook.shtml?command=Search&db=^DB/CATALOG.db&eqSKUdata=0739126733

Bell, D.C. (2010) The Dynamics of Connection: How Evolution and Biology Create Caregiving and Attachment. Place: Lexington Books. @ http://www.rowmanlittlefield.com/Catalog/SingleBook.shtml?command=Search&db=^DB/CATALOG.db&eqSKUdata=0739143522

Cornell, D. (2005) Between Women and Generations: Legacies of Dignity @ http://www.rowmanlittlefield.com/Catalog/SingleBook.shtml?command=Search&db=^DB/CATALOG.db&eqSKUdata=0742543706

Dubow, S. (2011) Ourselves unborn : a history of the fetus in modern America. Oxford: Oxford University Press. @ http://www.worldcat.org/title/ourselves-unborn-a-history-of-the-fetus-in-modern-america/oclc/608618101/editions?editionsView=true

Boocock, S.S. & Scott, K.A. (2005) Kids in Context: The Sociological Study of Children and Childhoods @ http://www.rowmanlittlefield.com/Catalog/SingleBook.shtml?command=Search&db=^DB/CATALOG.db&eqSKUdata=0742520242

Callero, P. (2009) The Myth of Individualism: How Social Forces Shape Our Lives @ http://www.rowmanlittlefield.com/Catalog/SingleBook.shtml?command=Search&db=^DB/CATALOG.db&eqSKUdata=0742599892

Gilman, C.P. (2002) Concerning Children @ http://www.rowmanlittlefield.com/Catalog/SingleBook.shtml?command=Search&db=^DB/CATALOG.db&eqSKUdata=0759103895

Hewlett, S.A. & Rankin, N. & West, C (eds.) (2002) Taking Parenting Public: The Case for a New Social Movement @ http://www.rowmanlittlefield.com/Catalog/SingleBook.shtml?command=Search&db=^DB/CATALOG.db&eqSKUdata=0742521109

Mezey, S.G. (2009) Gay Families and the Courts: The Quest for Equal Rights @ http://www.rowmanlittlefield.com/Catalog/SingleBook.shtml?command=Search&db=^DB/CATALOG.db&eqSKUdata=0742562182

Murphy, P.T. (1997) Wasted: The Plight of America's Unwanted Children @ http://www.rowmanlittlefield.com/Catalog/SingleBook.shtml?command=Search&db=^DB/CATALOG.db&eqSKUdata=1566633338

Quiroz, P.A. (2007) Adoption in a Color-Blind Society
Series: Perspectives on a Multiracial America
@ http://www.rowmanlittlefield.com/Catalog/SingleBook.shtml?command=Search&db=^DB/CATALOG.db&eqSKUdata=0742559416

Royce, E. (2008) Poverty and Power: The Problem of Structural Inequality @ http://www.rowmanlittlefield.com/Catalog/SingleBook.shtml?command=Search&db=^DB/CATALOG.db&eqSKUdata=0742564436

Simon, R.J. & Altstein, H (2000) Adoption across Borders: Serving the Children in Transracial and Intercountry Adoptions @ http://www.rowmanlittlefield.com/Catalog/SingleBook.shtml?command=Search&db=^DB/CATALOG.db&eqSKUdata=0847698335
[personal profile] 7rin
Sants, H.J. (1964) Genealogical Bewilderment in Children with Substitute Parents. British Journal of Medical Psychology 37(?). pp.133-141

"In 1964, H.J. Sants ... coined the phrase 'genealogical bewilderment'"

O'Shaughnessy, T. (1994). Adoption, social work and social theory: Making the connections. Brookfield, VT: Ashgate Publishing. (p.119)

Adoption, blood kinship, stigma, and the Adoption Reform Movement: A historical perspective @ http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_qa3757/is_200201/ai_n9059070/pg_10/
[personal profile] 7rin
Adoption and Loss: The Hidden Grief
Evelyn Burns Robinson @ http://www.adoptioncrossroads.org/Adoption&Loss.html (dead link, but review available @ http://www.ccnm-mothers.ca/English/articles/Robinson.htm )

Adoption Healing... the path to recovery for mothers who lost children to adoption
Joe Soll @ https://www.adoptionhealing.com/Moms/

Adoptees in Reunion: The Psychological Integration of Adoption, Motivations for Reunion, and the Reunion Relationship
@ http://www.nla.gov.au/openpublish/index.php/aja/article/view/1447/1776 {.pdf format}

Adoption: Uncharted Waters
David Kirschner @ http://www.adoptionunchartedwaters.com/

Being Adopted: The Lifelong Search for Self
David Brodzinsky @ http://library.adoption.com/articles/being-adopted-the-lifelong-search-for-self.html

Coming Home to Self: The Adopted Child Grows Up
Nancy Verrier @ http://nancyverrier.com/coming-home-to-self/

Journey of the Adopted Self: A Quest for Wholeness
Betty Jean Lifton @ http://www.plumsite.com/bjlifton/

Lost and Found: the Adoption Experience
Betty Jean Lifton @ http://www.plumsite.com/bjlifton/

The Adopted break Silence
Jean Paton @ http://www.uoregon.edu/~adoption/archive/PatonTABS.htm

The Girls Who Went Away
Ann Fessler @ www.thegirlswhowentaway.com/

The Primal Wound: Understanding the Adopted Child
Nancy Verrier @ http://nancyverrier.com/the-primal-wound/

Unlearning Adoption: A Guide to Family Preservation and Protection
Jessica DelBalzo @ http://books.google.co.uk/books/about/Unlearning_Adoption.html?id=AjeXPAAACAAJ

Without a map
Meredith Hall @ http://meredithhall.org/
[personal profile] 7rin
Taken from Nancy Verrier's book, Coming Home to Self.

For the adoptee every day is a challenge of trying to figure out how to be, although he probably doesn't understand the difficulty this presents for him. It has been true his whole life and, therefore, feels normal. However, it takes a great deal of energy and concentration. And it never feels quite right. He never quite fits. Therefore he feels as if /he/ is never quite right.
(pg 50)

Abandonment and neglect are reported to be the two most devastating experiences that children endure - even more devastating then sexual or physical abuse. That's why some neglected children do naughty things to get attention. Even though the attention is hurtful - being yelled at, hit, or otherwise harmed - it is better than neglect. /Anything/ is better than abandonment. Abandonment is a child's greatest fear. For adoptees, it is also reality, embedded in their implicit and unintegrated memory.
(pg 102)

It is sometimes difficult to spot grief in children. After all, it isn't as if the child sits in a puddle of tears his entire childhood. As one adoptee said, "Of course I played, laughed, sang. Do people think that if you're not sitting in a corner with your head on your knees, you are not sad? I had happy times, but the sadness was always there, even when I was having fun."
(pg 117)


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