7rin_on_adoption | Entries tagged with topic:searching

The comments section on KSL.com article after this picture...

Jenessa Simons' message

...demonstrate clearly the forces of socialisation that work against the adoptee for the entirety of the adoptee's life. This is what we grow up hearing. Even if it's not in the immediate family, the wider world tells us this, and it's not something you can shield us from because it's endemic in English speaking society[1].

Yet people still fail to see how this impacts our perspectives of ourselves as adoptees. Why?
Genealogy is a massive industry, so why wouldn't adoptees want to know who and where they come from?

This is why we shouldn't be losing contact totally in the first place.

People shouldn't NEED to be putting begging pictures up on Fakeblag because they've run out of other options. This information should never be lost to us in the first place.

Even if it's not safe for them to know who and where we are while we're children, as adults that information should be available to us so that WE can decide what we want to do with OUR lives.

Not knowing who you're from is a complete mind-fuck.

[1] I don't know enough about all other societies to be able to say, but I'm sure it's a topic @TransracialEyes is likely to have information on).

7rin

Asked by Pip @ http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20121101075109AAmPXkq

I have just read this article http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2220767/X-Factor-USA-contestant-David-Correy-finds-birth-mother-show.html and read the comments. This comment made me shake my head in disgust as the person obviously doesn't get it that adoptees do want to know where they come from and it's no reflection on their relationship with their adoptive parents:

I don't know why people just cannot appreciate the parent's who have raised them. What about his adoptive parents. Why is he running behind this woman like some lost dog when he already has two parents? This is why I will never adopt a child...they are so ungrateful and are just a waste of money.

My answer:
I think it's brilliant 'cause it highlights EXACTLY what we've been trying to tell people for years - that the ADOPTEE doesn't matter, and neither do our genealogical families ('cause reunion's not JUST about our mom).

It demonstrates exactly what people think of us.

7rin

Do we need a law against incest?

The European human rights court has upheld a German ruling against sibling incest, but some questions remain unanswered

Paul Behrens 15 April 2012

The European court of human rights is no stranger to controversy. Last Thursday, however, Strasbourg played it safe and did the expected. The court ruled it was all right to have a law against incest.

The man who brought the case was Patrick Stübing – a young German, who was separated from his family as a little child. When he was in his 20s, he looked for and found his biological mother. He also found his sister, with whom he fell in love. After their mother's death, the siblings began a sexual relationship, which produced four children.

It is not the only case in which biological siblings met only later in life and began sexual relations. One of the theories to explain the phenomenon is that the absence overcomes the "Westermarck effect" that usually applies: kids who grow up together tend to become desensitised to mutual sexual attraction.

( Read more... )

7rin

Genetic sexual attraction

You're 40, happily married - and then you meet your long-lost brother and fall passionately in love. This isn't fiction; in the age of the sperm donor, it's a growing reality: 50% of reunions between siblings, or parents and offspring, separated at birth result in obsessive emotions. Last month, a former police officer was convicted of incest with his half-sister - but should we criminalise a bond hardwired into our psychology? Alix Kirsta talks to those who have suffered the torment of 'genetic sexual attraction'

The Guardian, Saturday 17 May 2003

At first, Ivor Lytton's emotional predicament seems unremarkable, no different from the woes that make up any agony aunt's weekly column. On Sunday October 4 1998, Lytton, an Edinburgh public relations consultant, met the love of his life. The meeting took place at a dinner party at a fashionable country inn. Rita Meadows, who lives in South Africa, was on holiday in Scotland. Describing their meeting, Lytton's words overflow with sentiment. "From the moment we met, I was smitten, and continued to be drawn to her like a magnet. As I got to know her, I felt she had given me a life transmission. She put a smile in my heart and a spring in my step." Each October for the past four years, he has sent her a card to commemorate the date of their meeting.

What Lytton didn't know was that the consequences of that love would plunge him into the most devastating crisis of his life. ( Read more... )

7rin

Forbidden love of the brother and sister
Last updated at 15:43 01 March 2007

Had it stopped at an appropriate point, the story of Patrick Stuebing and Susan Karolewski could have been poignant and moving.

Separated by adoption in their native East Germany, the siblings met for the first time in 2000 when Patrick tracked down his birth mother and the younger sister he had never met.

If their mother, Ana Marie, were alive today, however, she would, in all likelihood, be wishing her estranged son had never found his way home.

Because for the past seven years, brother and sister have been lovers. In that time they have had four children together - two of whom are mentally and physically disabled and all of whom are now in care.

( Read more... )

7rin

The following is going to be a catalogue of shit said to - or about - adoptees in public(ish - relatively) places. Feel free to use in evidence. :}

Headline: Kate's adoptive family scrimped to give her idyllic childhood... yet she was still desperate to find the parents who gave her up - no matter who it hurt

Kate Hilpern discovered she was adopted aged five
At 18 she tracked down her birth family - but found her mother had died at 19, two years after giving Kate up for adoption
Mother-of-two says being cut off from birth family had damaging effects on her identity and self-esteem
Kate now campaigns for adoptive children to retain contact with biological family

By Kate Hilpern
PUBLISHED: 23:48, 15 May 2012 | UPDATED: 11:57, 16 May 2012

{quote}
( Read more... )
{/quote}

And now for those oh-so wonderful and supportive comments...

First, a charming snippet from Whenever Wherever, Somewhere in the Lone Star, 16/5/2012 21:39

this yearning for some stranger who gave you up because of a biological link is a slap in the face ... I have a few friends who are asian who do not share these issues. None of them have tried to find the biological parent. If I adopt, it will be an asian child. Can't be bothered with the rest of this nonsense. Call it silly or whatever, but either you are my child and I your mum, or not. I am not going to love and sacrifice for over 18 years for some child to come inform me as an adult that they want a relationship with the biological stranger parent.

This made me scratch my head... resident, somewhere in America, 16/5/2012 20:41

Further, you rarely find what you'll think you'll find. My sister in law found her "birth family" and they were a mess. I was not happy.

I'm left scratching my head at this one because the author doesn't tell us how the person whose life it actually involves felt about it - only that they, the poster was aggrieved by it.

Tiffany, USA, 16/5/2012 18:13 shares with us exactly who adoptees should call 'real' family (for the record, all of my families're 'real' - if they weren't, I wouldn't exist because my a'rents didn't give birth to me):

Why on earth would someone want to raise a child as their own, make the sacrifices good parents make and give their whole heart to a child who will someday bring an egg and sperm donor back into the picture, and for what reason?? My heart goes out to this woman's REAL parents, and shame on her for not having the sense to call them.that first.

Matilda, London, 16/5/2012 16:46 makes one of my favourite comments of all, proving the the blank slate theory

" The idea that you can uproot a baby from its birth family, place it with adoptive parents and give it a new identity with no ill-effects is ludicrous." ....................... I disagree with this statement. You can if the baby isn't too old and you never tell the child that it was adopted.

Dinah, Bath, 16/5/2012 16:21 shares the long-standing, old favourite:

Ungrateful.

I feel very saddened for anon, worcestershire, 16/5/2012 15:35 who feels that their a'rents happiness comes before their own, since no child should be responsible for their parents' happiness, and no child should owe ANY of their parents for doing their job as parents...

What a selfish girl to think of herself and what she wanted, I am adopted from about the same age and would never have wanted to upset my Mother and Father with such an action,they and they only deserved to organise and be at my wedding,they put so much into raising me and giving me a great upbringing,they were always there for me and never let me down their whole lives.I owe them everything.

Finally ('cause contrary to popular belief, I do have a life afk :p), Twinkle, Twinkle, 16/5/2012 15:34 reminds adoptees of their place - y'know, second best, abandoned, 'n' unwanted...

Red arrow me all you like on this but I am entitled to my opionion. I would not adopt a child if the rules changes allowing them access to their biological Mother. NO WAY. Why would a couple or single person who cant have a child provide all the love and care to be made to feel second best and a carer so to speak because the child had been given up for adoption. ADOPTION - Given away - no matter what the reasons or how you wrap it up.

7rin

Timeline went something like:
12th August 2009: Found 'em on FB
18th August 2009: Added mat.bsis on FB
19th August 2009: Dummy acc. PMed bmom
8th September 2009: FB conflab with bmom
9th September 2009: bmom turns up on doorstep
11th September 2009: Have met mat.bsis & meet mat.bbro
15th September 2009: Turned up on bdad's doorstep
6th October 2009: Have met Dad proper (why no date!!!)
13th October 2009: 'Session' with mat.bsis, mat.bbro & mat.bcuz
6th November 2009: bdad told pat.bbro about me

Was scheduled to meet bmom in a pub on 11th (was once been my local, but is closer to where she lives), along with mat.bbro and bmom's hubby, and a long-standing friend of mine who's also 'local' to the pub. What actually happened was that she 'phoned me from her mobile on 9th saying she was about to drive past anyway (legitimately) and so could she call in and meet 'cause she couldn't wait until the Friday. I said yeah 'cause tbh, waiting was killing me, and so she turned up on the drive in the car with a mate. I was a bit miffed that I couldn't tell which one she was gonna be until they got up the drive and she introduced herself - of course, once I had time to take everyone in, it was blatantly obvious which one my mom was, but at the door I had no clue. They came in, we drank cups of tea and coffee, and smoked fags, and talked about everything and nothing.

It was mind blowing.

Meeting dad was weirder, at least on initial viewing anyway. Mom had given me what she thought was his entry in the 'phone directory, on the day that the new 'phone directory for the area came out, and his number wasn't in it! I panicked. What if it *was* him, and he'd moved away? It was five minutes away, and so I *had to* go around to the address and find out if he was still there or not (if it was him at all). I took a deep breath and knocked the door.

It wouldn't've mattered if he denied all knowledge of me or not. I was stood looking in my physical mirror. Where I look (sound, laugh, sneeze, cough, strop, etc.) like my mom, I'm shaped like my dad. I'd never understood my body before because I didn't recognise it. I drove away from that first (very very short) meeting with my dad entirely validated in my own existence. I all of a sudden knew exactly where I'd come from.

Met mat.bbro in the pub on the day set up to meet mom, and mat.bsis at her flat. Haven't yet met pat.bbro but am deeply looking forward to it. And grumpy cow as she may be, I actually would like to meet my pat.bsis, despite her not wanting to have anything to do with me because she's in a snit with our dad.

Try not to go in with ANY preconceptions, because you have absolutely no idea what you'll find. All sides of my families have screw ups, but then I don't know a family that doesn't. The only difference is in the extremes, as far as I can see.

7rin

UK

Find your original birth or adoption record (DirectGov (UK) site) @ http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/Governmentcitizensandrights/Registeringlifeevents/Birthandadoptionrecords/Adoptionrecords/DG_175567

Using the Adoption Contact Register (DirectGov (UK) site) @ http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/Governmentcitizensandrights/Registeringlifeevents/Birthandadoptionrecords/Adoptionrecords/DG_175603

Julie's People Search @ http://www.julieg.f9.co.uk/longlinkslist.htm

UK Adoptees - Adopted in the UK #searching @ http://ukadoptees.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=searching

USA

Go join http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/ 'cause it's THE best place for adoptees to be, and is chock full of adoptees who've searched and know how to search.

If you are in USA @ http://www.aborn.faithweb.com/
Click where it says " Before you begin your search." Next, read "Proper way to search, part 1" and then "Proper way to search, part 2." Located on the right column.

There's also:
Adoption Search Reunion @ http://www.adoptionsearchreunion.org.uk/
International Soundex Reunion Registry (ISRR) @ http://www.isrr.net/faq.shtml
GS Adoption Registry @ http://gsadoptionregistry.com/
Adoption Reunion Registry @ http://registry.adoption.com/

Register and check back with them often.

The State/Country where they child was born and adopted may have it's own registry and access laws, so check that out also.

Also try Facebook, Google, Myspace, Ancestry.com, etc.

General Search Advice @ http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index.php?topic=754.0

Canada

Origins Canada Search Registry @ http://searchregistry.originscanada.org/

Pay Sites

The Vitalsearch Company Worldwide @ http://www.vitalsearch-worldwide.com/

War Babies

http://www.liberationchildren.org/

Unchecekd

http://www.birthparentfinder.com/

General Search Advice

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index.php?topic=754.0

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7rin on adoption

Entries tagged with topic:searching

Photo of Utah woman searching for birth parents goes viral

What do you think of this comment?

Do we need a law against incest?

Genetic sexual attraction

Forbidden love of the brother and sister

You ungrateful bastard!

7rin's reunion (Y!A version)

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September 2013