Jul. 16th, 2010

[personal profile] 7rin
I suggest you start at http://uk.answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20100823193059AAxG6Px

I usually suggest people start at http://brainchildmag.com/essays/summer2010_friedman.asp

Many women adopt who can not call themselves mothers by the way they behaved to their children. Please, no-one take offence at that, I just mean to me personally because there're so many people who've adopted and then abused - and some have even killed - their adopted kids: http://nobodyisforgotten.blogspot.com/

Moms are there because you can go running to them with a problem - dads and brothers and sisters and nans and granddads and aunts and uncles and cousins are there so you can go out and play and laugh and have fun.

I was gonna say that my opinion on that was nothing to do with being adopted, but seriously, it's probably got a lot to do with it because I grew up in a loving, caring, nurturing adoptive family from when I was seven months old, instead of growing up with my abusive biological mom.

Oh, and you don't get to bond when you adopt - you might get to communicate and share, but bonds rarely happen. Go look up "genetic mirroring".

You're never gonna be able to "win" 'cause adoption screws kids up one way or another, but you need to be able to learn to understand what your kid's going through.

My aparents have had to watch as their kid goes through all of the agony and trauma that comes with being adopted. They have had absolutely no help in dealing with any of this - as all good parents do, they winged it. It's testament to their brilliance that I'm even remotely sane (hush you lot at the back! :p) and a functioning member of society.

Adoption screws kids up. It's not a fact that the adoption mongers like seeing said in public, but it's true. Not every kid, obviously - some on here are happy to've been adopted, but a surprisingly high percentage of us grow up deeply screwed up.

Taken from Nancy Verrier's book, Coming Home to Self: http://www.nancyverrier.com/self_book.php

For the adoptee every day is a challenge of trying to figure out how to be, although he probably doesn't understand the difficulty this presents for him. It has been true his whole life and, therefore, feels normal. However, it takes a great deal of energy and concentration. And it never feels quite right. He never quite fits. Therefore he feels as if /he/ is never quite right.
(pg 50)

Abandonment and neglect are reported to be the two most devastating experiences that children endure - even more devastating then sexual or physical abuse. That's why some neglected children do naughty things to get attention. Even though the attention is hurtful - being yelled at, hit, or otherwise harmed - it is better than neglect. /Anything/ is better than abandonment. Abandonment is a child's greatest fear. For adoptees, it is also reality, embedded in their implicit and unintegrated memory.
(pg 102)

It is sometimes difficult to spot grief in children. After all, it isn't as if the child sits in a puddle of tears his entire childhood. As one adoptee said, "Of course I played, laughed, sang. Do people think that if you're not sitting in a corner with your head on your knees, you are not sad? I had happy times, but the sadness was always there, even when I was having fun."
(pg 117)

Please read back through a few months worth of resolved questions in here http://answers.yahoo.com/dir/index?sid=2115500138 - comprehend that lot, and you'll be about ready to adopt. :)
[personal profile] 7rin
You don't, not while mothers are *STILL* being brainwashed into abandoning their kids because those kids deserve two parents (those being preferentially middle-class upwards, Good Christian Soldiers, he's got a Good(tm) steady job, she's a stay-at-home mom who bakes cookies with the kids).

~ OR ~

Hang on a minute... there's all these women being told that they should abandon their kids to adoption because all kids deserve two parents, so why in the world should a single person, male or female, be allowed to adopt? Surely that's contrary to why people are being encouraged to abandon their kids in the first place?

Sadly though, yes, if you've got enough money, you can buy almost anything.

It's entirely possible to help someone parent without snatching their child away from them: Each One Help One @ http://www.values.com/your-inspirational-stories/1306-EACH-ONE-HELP-ONE

This is how the adoption industry finds out the best ways to convince people to abandon their kids:
The National Council for Adoption: Mothers, Money, Marketing, and Madness
* Part 1 @ http://www.divinecaroline.com/22095/39669-national-council-adoption-mothers-money
* Part 2 @ http://www.divinecaroline.com/22095/39676-national-council-adoption--mothers--money-

My aparents have had to watch as their kid goes through all of the agony and trauma that comes with being adopted. They have had absolutely no help in dealing with any of this - as all good parents do, they winged it. It's testament to their brilliance that I'm even remotely sane (hush you lot at the back! :p) and a functioning member of society.

Adoption screws kids up. It's not a fact that the adoption mongers like seeing said in public, but it's true. Not every kid, obviously - some on here are happy to've been adopted, but a surprisingly high percentage of us grow up deeply screwed up.

I was abandoned to adoption at seven months old. I honestly and truly wish that I'd been aborted instead of abandoned to adoption, so please be prepared for the fact that any kid you adopt could grow up to be as screwed up as me (I'm almost 40, so legally "grown up" in pretty much everywhere).

I didn't have a bad adoption - my afamily are the best I could ever have chosen... but if I'd been able to choose, and I'd known then what I know now, I'd've chosen to be aborted before birth instead, 'cause at least that way the lifetime of agony I've gone through would've been over in minutes, instead of the decades that I've been suffering for now.

Please bear in mind that the US Passport agency requires that a birth certificate is filed within one year of birth. You may be causing unnecessary headaches for the person, and they may be denied a passport (as many adopted people frequently are!) - the rules differ state to state.

Actually, if you adopt, the kid still won't be your own. You need to be able to deal with the fact that being a parent to an adoptee is NOT the same as being a parent to your own child. It will not elicit the same feelings in you, and your gut reactions will be off because there is no genetic similarity to recognise. Yes, you'll learn it all in time, and if you're a good a'rent, you won't even take out your frustration at not having your own child on the child you adopt instead.

I suggest you read the links and blurb mentioned in the Best Answer (as chosen by voters) @ http://uk.answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20101114222810AAiOtS3 since that answers your question most thoroughly, and then read back through a few months worth of resolved questions in here http://answers.yahoo.com/dir/index?sid=2115500138

Comprehend that lot, and you'll be about ready to adopt. :)
[personal profile] 7rin
Hang on a minute... there's all these women being told that they should abandon their kids to adoption 'cause they're poor, so why in the world should someone asking for donations be allowed to adopt? Surely that's contrary to why people are being encouraged to abandon their kids in the first place?

I think, given the right case worker, and given the right incentives (e.g. money), pretty much anyone could get away with being able to adopt someone from somewhere, somehow. That doesn't mean you should though.
[personal profile] 7rin
Why a girl? Is it because you want her to do girly stuff? Sorry love, but while you might be able to get away with it with much of the female population, we don't all turn out like that - I be a case in point. I describe as medically female, because my body is, and there's no point in messing about with what ain't actually broke. I've never been a little girl though.

I'm also one of them "bitter adoptees" that people like to rant about. I actually love my afam very much, and it's because they are such a fantastic family that knowing that I didn't know *any* of that about myself hurt so much. So I give you warning; as an AP, you're never gonna be able to win. Even if you're good, you can still lose.

I was abandoned to adoption at 7mths old, and would like to give you a word of caution - not to put you off being willing to help a child who honestly and truly needs help, but to make you aware that adoption isn't always the rainbow farting unicorns as depicted in the media.

Please be prepared for the fact that any kid you adopt could grow up to be as screwed up as me. I didn't have a bad adoption - my afamily are the best I could ever have chosen... but if I'd been able to choose, I'd've chosen to be aborted before birth instead, 'cause at least that way the lifetime of agony I've gone through would've been over in minutes, instead of the decades I've been suffering for now.

I've been in reunion with my bfam for a while now, and even that's proving to be completely agonising.

Taken from Nancy Verrier's book, Coming Home to Self: http://www.nancyverrier.com/self_book.php


For the adoptee every day is a challenge of trying to figure out how to be, although he probably doesn't understand the difficulty this presents for him. It has been true his whole life and, therefore, feels normal. However, it takes a great deal of energy and concentration. And it never feels quite right. He never quite fits. Therefore he feels as if /he/ is never quite right.
(pg 50)


Abandonment and neglect are reported to be the two most devastating experiences that children endure - even more devastating then sexual or physical abuse. That's why some neglected children do naughty things to get attention. Even though the attention is hurtful - being yelled at, hit, or otherwise harmed - it is better than neglect. /Anything/ is better than abandonment. Abandonment is a child's greatest fear. For adoptees, it is also reality, embedded in their implicit and unintegrated memory.
(pg 102)


It is sometimes difficult to spot grief in children. After all, it isn't as if the child sits in a puddle of tears his entire childhood. As one adoptee said, "Of course I played, laughed, sang. Do people think that if you're not sitting in a corner with your head on your knees, you are not sad? I had happy times, but the sadness was always there, even when I was having fun."
(pg 117)


Please read back through a few months worth of resolved questions in here http://answers.yahoo.com/dir/index?sid=2115500138 and then go read through all of the books and links listed at http://7rin-on-adoption.dreamwidth.org/tag/recommended+reading

Comprehend that lot, and you'll be about ready to adopt. :)
[personal profile] 7rin
DO NOT ABANDON YOUR CHILD TO ADOPTION!

Things I Wish I Knew When I Was Considering Adoption
@ www.exiledmothers.com/ adoption_facts/wish.html (close gap in URL)

What you should KNOW if you're considering adoption for your baby
@ http://www.cubirthparents.org/edd/index.php?id=1

Considering adoption? Don't feel you have any other options?
@ http://www.keepyourbaby.com/

Myths told the unmarried mother
@ http://gift-not-choice.tripod.com/myths-about-asfa.html

Adoption Truth
@ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QOZGwqHVnKs

Unplanned Pregnancy without Crisis
@ http://www.motherhelp.info/index.htm

Open adoption is almost never legally enforceable, and many parents have lost access to their children due to broken "open" adoption promises.
@ www.mercianeclectics.dsl.pipex.com/adoption/OpenAdoptionWall.htm
@ www.bringperihome.com/
@ http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20100709095305AAjeM4z
@ http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20100830162150AAi478W


Quotes taken from Nancy Verrier's book, Coming Home to Self
@ http://www.nancyverrier.com/self_book.php

For the adoptee every day is a challenge of trying to figure out how to be, although he probably doesn't understand the difficulty this presents for him. It has been true his whole life and, therefore, feels normal. However, it takes a great deal of energy and concentration. And it never feels quite right. He never quite fits. Therefore he feels as if /he/ is never quite right.
(pg 50)

Abandonment and neglect are reported to be the two most devastating experiences that children endure - even more devastating then sexual or physical abuse. That's why some neglected children do naughty things to get attention. Even though the attention is hurtful - being yelled at, hit, or otherwise harmed - it is better than neglect. /Anything/ is better than abandonment. Abandonment is a child's greatest fear. For adoptees, it is also reality, embedded in their implicit and unintegrated memory.
(pg 102)

It is sometimes difficult to spot grief in children. After all, it isn't as if the child sits in a puddle of tears his entire childhood. As one adoptee said, "Of course I played, laughed, sang. Do people think that if you're not sitting in a corner with your head on your knees, you are not sad? I had happy times, but the sadness was always there, even when I was having fun."
(pg 117)


Adoption screws kids up. It's not a fact that the adoption mongers like seeing said in public, but it's true. Not every kid, obviously - some on here are happy to've been adopted, but a surprisingly high percentage of us grow up deeply screwed up.

I was abandoned to adoption at seven months old. I honestly and truly wish that I'd been aborted instead of abandoned to adoption, so please be prepared for the fact that any kid you adopt could grow up to be as screwed up as me (I'm almost 40, so legally "grown up" in pretty much everywhere).

I didn't have a bad adoption - my afamily are the best I could ever have chosen... but if I'd been able to choose, and I'd known then what I know now, I'd've chosen to be aborted before birth instead, 'cause at least that way the lifetime of agony I've gone through would've been over in minutes, instead of the decades that I've been suffering for now.


_____Links supporting families to stay together_____

Single Mom @ www.singlemom.com/
Mentor Moms/MOPS/Teen MOPS (support!) @ www.mops.org/
Angel Food (food assistance) @ www.angelfoodministries.com/
Feeding America (food assistance) @ www.feedingamerica.org/
Co-Abode (housing assistance) @ www.coabode.com/
Safe Families (for emergency/crisis care) @ www.safe-families.org/
Teens @ www.teenbreaks.com/pregnancy/pregnancyhome.cfm
Adoption Crossroads® and Adoption Healing @ www.adoptioncrossroads.org
Adopted Child Syndrome @ www.amfor.net/acs
Origins-USA @ www.origins-usa.org
United Family Services @ www.unitedfamilyservices.org/
Family Assistance Foundation @ www.familyassistancefoundation.com/
Safelink Wireless @ www.safelinkwireless.com/

Also, I suggest you take notice of the fact that adoption does NOT "save" kids:
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20080229225608AA9mqS9
http://lubbockonline.com/crime-and-courts/2010-12-22/lubbock-man-arrested-sexually-assaulting-adoptive-daughters


Finally, I strongly suggest you take a nose at what APs say when they think they're in a place of safety about what they REALLY think of their adopted kids and their families:
http://adoptiveparentsspeak.wordpress.com/

Good luck!
[personal profile] 7rin
Do you have to pay to adopt a child?

Yes, more massively than handing over any amount of money can make up for.

My aparents have had to watch as their kid goes through all of the agony and trauma that comes with being adopted. They have had absolutely no help in dealing with any of this - as all good parents do, they winged it. It's testament to their brilliance that I'm even remotely sane (hush you lot at the back! :p) and a functioning member of society.

Adoption screws kids up. It's not a fact that the adoption mongers like seeing said in public, but it's true. Not every kid, obviously - some on here are happy to've been adopted, but a surprisingly high percentage of us grow up deeply screwed up.

I was abandoned to adoption at seven months old. I honestly and truly wish that I'd been aborted instead of abandoned to adoption, so please be prepared for the fact that any kid you adopt could grow up (I'm 37, so definitely and legally a "grown up" in pretty much everywhere) to be as screwed up as me.

I didn't have a bad adoption - my afamily are the best I could ever have chosen... but if I'd been able to choose, and I'd known then what I know now, I'd've chosen to be aborted before birth instead, 'cause at least that way the lifetime of agony I've gone through would've been over in minutes, instead of the decades that I've been suffering for now.

Please bear in mind that the US Passport agency requires that a birth certificate is filed within one year of birth. You may be causing unnecessary headaches for the person, and they may be denied a passport (as many adopted people frequently are!) - the rules differ state to state.

Please read back through a few months worth of resolved questions in here http://answers.yahoo.com/dir/index?sid=2115500138 and then go read through all of the books and links listed at http://7rin-on-adoption.dreamwidth.org/tag/recommended+reading

Comprehend that lot, and you'll be about ready to adopt. :)
[personal profile] 7rin
Turski, D. (2002) Why "Birthmother" means "Breeder" [online]. Available at: http://foundandlostsupport.com/birthmothermeansbreeder.html [Accessed 07 December 2010]

<Quote>
I had never heard the term "birthmother" until I reunited with my son. When the social worker who located me referred to me as his "birthmother," my first reaction was to instinctively recoil in distaste. What is a "birthmother?" It occurred to me that perhaps she had merely applied this ridiculous sounding term in an attempt at political correctness, so I ignored it. However, when my son's adoptive mother ...  )



Putting a child up for adoption? @ http://uk.answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20100910110801AALw7r3

As asked by H******:

"Where did this term originate?

"Putting a child up for adoption"

Put up where?
"

... and answered by gypsywinter (amongst others):

"Well people and children have been "put up" for sale and slavery for quite awhile in this country. Slaves were 'put up' on platforms to be viewed Read more... )

Tags

September 2013

S M T W T F S
1234567
891011 121314
1516 1718192021
22232425262728
2930     
Page generated Jul. 11th, 2025 02:11 am
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios