For those adoptees who really were given away/abandoned...

[7rin]

Since the following, quoted, content has already done the rounds on Y! Answers, and so is never going to be deemed 'private' again, I see no reason not to post it in here too.

The content itself consists of the story of my adoption, and a couple of questions based upon my recent experiences and discoveries.

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...rather than those who were taken from their mother, contrary to her preference.

1. Have you contacted/attempted to find your birth family?
2. For those who have found their birth family, did you receive a second rejection, or has it turned out 'happy' for you?

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The following is a copy of the summary letter that the SWer wrote for me, but with the identifying info. removed. I didn't need to remove all that much.

I have gone through your adoption file and this is a summary of the information it contains. Unfortunately there is no information about your birth and where you were born. The information it contains is very limited overall.

From the records your adoption was a private arrangement. This was not unusual at the time and private adoptions would be arranged through a third party, perhaps a general practitioner or a vicar for example.

The circumstances of your adoption with your mum and dad were that you were the daughter of a friend of your adopted mothers neighbour. This neighbour had heard that your birth mum had a new boyfriend and no longer had time to care for you.

There is very little information about your birth mother recorded on the file. Her name at the time was [name] and she lived at [address]. [name] already had another child called [sister] who was older than you. No other information about [sister] is given.

Social Services first heard about you going to live with your mum and dad from the health visitor involved. As a result a social worker went to visit your birth mother [name] at [address]. This was a two bedroomed flat in a multi storey block. The social worker who visited recorded that she had known [name] and her parents for a number of years and I believe she was indicating that there had been concerns in the past. When the social worker arrived at [name]'s flat she found it to be in a state of chaos. There were empty cardboard boxes and litter of every description and old furniture piled up in every part of the flat.

[name] admitted to the social worker that through a neighbour, you had been accepted for adoption by your parents, [adad][amom]. She told the social worker that she had handed you over to you mum and dad on the 7th April 1973 when they came to the flat. [name] had told the social worker that she did not know your mum and dad other than they had no children and seemed to be fond of you. [name] had not made any enquiries about your wellbeing since and did not ask the social worker whether she had done anything wrong.

The social worker recorded that [name] gave no indication of having regretted her decision or of having changed her mind.

[name] explained that she had asked for a visit from a social worker and the indication was that because this had not happened she could not go on waiting and had made her own arrangement. When your parents collected you from the flat [name] signed a written statement giving them permission to adopt you.

There is further information recorded on the file in relation to how your mum and dad felt when they first saw you. Your mum may have told you about the conditions in which you were living. They described the flat as being in a very dishevelled state and this fitted with what the social worker who visited [name] had found. You were reported to have spent long hours in your cot and were extremely dirty when your mum and dad first saw you. You were very quiet and withdrawn and suffering with very bad nappy rash. They felt very concerned and worried for you.

When you first went to live with your mum and dad they were very concerned because you were extremely quiet and withdrawn. From what we have learned since about children who are neglected we understand that when a child hasn't had their basic needs met they have become very quiet and withdrawn. These children quickly learn that crying doesn't work as they still do not get what they need in the way of food, clean nappies and affection for example.

Gradually as you began to feel safe and to have your needs met you began to make more natural responses and soon began to cry and laugh and make normal movements. By the time you were nearly a year old you had developed a good deal and were walking and beginning to talk as expected for your age.

Your mum and dad made an application to adopt you in May 1973 and the Adoption Order was granted on the [date] August 1973.

I hope, whilst the information is very limited [my name] that it has helped you understand more why you were adopted and help you in relation to any decisions you may now make in trying to make contact with any birth relatives.

SWer said that when she was reading through and writing up that she did try to be as fair to my bmom as possible, but that she found it very difficult to do due to the utter ease with which I was just literally given away. I mean, my amom and adad just basically walked in off the street, and were told straight away, "there she is, you can take her now if you want." My bmom knew nothing about them, or what they were like or anything, she practically did just hand me over to two perfect strangers to get me off her hands.

So, how do I feel about it all, and what do I plan on doing next?

Well, tbh, I'm not entirely sure how I feel about it all, but some of how I feel may be conveyed through the content of an email I've just sent off to the SWer.

I'm not sure if it'd be at all possible, but I'm asking just in case.

Is there any way/hope of you (since they probably won't let me) getting in touch with, or finding out anything about, the health visitor and social workers that you mentioned in the summary that you provided for me? I only ask because it would be interesting to find out (if they are still alive) whether they remember any more about my case (you mentioned that the social worker knew my birth mother's parents, for example) that could provide me any more information than I already have.

I ask this because while I'm sure it would be nice to be 'wanted' by my birth family now, I'm not at all sure that I'd necessarily want to be wanted by them - with the possible exception of my birth father's side (since we know nothing at all thus far about them), and any siblings I may have. While I understand that people do change over the years, I suspect that I may still get a similar reaction to the indifference that appears to have been the case when I was 'given away', and I'm not at all sure I'd cope quite so happily with having to live with that a second time around.

I understand that you may not be able to obtain the information I'm hoping for, but I'm asking on the basis of "if I don't ask, I don't find out."

Thank you for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you shortly - even if it is only about the access to the court records.

I think I really need to take some time to process what I've (re)found out about my life before I was adopted - I'd heard the stories, but it's different seeing it written down.

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I'm now deeply confused over feelings of excitement that I still have at the thought of potentially being able to at least meet my maternal bfamily (we know nothing of my dad, except that amom thinks she remembers my bmom saying that he was in the army, and didn't want to know). I understand logically all of the reasons behind these feelings, such as finally getting to see if I look like anyone/seeing someone (other than my daughter) who looks like me, or just the whole "finding the last piece of the jigsaw" associations - but at the same time, they utterly, utterly bewilder me. I mean, this is someone who actually DID "just abandon me to my fate", what sane reason in the world would make anyone with any brains want to bring someone who did that back into their lives?

Heh, writing this out, I've just spotted exactly what a vicious circle I'm stuck in - unfortunately, I don't have a clue how break a circle in which the answer to the first question, is the question of the second.

I have fantastic friends who I can discuss this with, but I think I really need the input of people who have actually been through this to be able to start breaking out.

How did you break out of this cycle of thoughts, and do you still have this confusion of thoughts?

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To date, I am not much further along in figuring out my thoughts, but I am a little, thanks to the wise words of some good friends.